Life's Lessons and Mental Health

I’ve done a lot of work with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). There is no easy way through this type of therapy; it is just plain hard work! I’m not saying other types of therapy aren’t hard work, they are; I just want to acknowledge to myself and to you how much mental effort it takes to comprehend and put into practice this type of therapy. In actual fact, acknowledging my own hard work is something new to me; I don’t know about you, but I find it very difficult to accept my own accomplishments so stating that here is BIG for me, personally. Deep breath…

Yesterday’s blog (Accepting your Feelings) resulted from some of the effort I’ve put into understanding DBT. No easy feat. I’ve gone through it three times so far and I’m sure there is still more I can learn. In this post, I want to talk more about the main message from CBT, that is, that our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all connected. How does this work? What comes first? Well, the truth is that any one of the three can affect the other two. For example, when I get depressed, there are certain thoughts and behaviours that coincide with that depression. I would usually isolate, avoid eye contact, walk slowly, hunch over and stay in bed. I would also be thinking about how my life sucks, how I can’t do anything right, that I’m a failure and that I’d be better off dead! I have suicidal thoughts, yes–often. Deep breath…. This is where the principle of CBT comes into play. The reasoning is that if our feelings can affect our thoughts and behaviours that if we change one of these two, it will also change our feelings. Believe it or not, it works!

Although changing our thoughts and behaviours is a difficult task at times, it is encouraging to know that what we think and do can alter our feelings. What this means for us is that we don’t have to be controlled by our emotions, but that we can control them! It’s such a freeing thought, isn’t it? The really cool thing is that if we maintain healthy thoughts and behaviours that we can generally maintain a healthy mood! That’s where I’m at right now. It doesn’t mean I won’t fall back into depression again. It just means that, for now, I can focus on wiser behaviours and thoughts. It’s called Wise Mind in DBT. This is actually the reason I started this blog. I have always written things down, often in poetic form but also with fiction and keeping up a journal. I am also very interested in advocating for mental illness and the possibility of helping others who struggle with this debilitating disease. So, here I am and this is the result of acting (writing a blog) upon a healthy thought (wanting to help others) and how it has changed my feelings as I am now more satisfied with my life.

I believe that one of the best ways to change your feelings is to first accept them. It is a true gift to be able to accept this dichotomy. It takes a lot of hard work, focus and non-judgmental thinking practice to really accept my negative feelings. Fear, Rage and Sadness can be overwhelming and seem impossible to accept but this is the beginning of wisdom over your feelings. So, how do I do this? I hate this rage! The anxiety is debilitating! The sadness envelopes me and drowns me! There is no way out of this! I have felt this way before and it’s never going to go away! Without mentioning all the cognitive distortions in these statements, I have to tell you that they can go away! Probably not forever; maybe for only a moment; but, they can go away. Feelings, after all, are changing all the time. They come and go, just like the clouds on a sunny day or the waves as they ebb and flow. The reality is that feelings are with you for a reason; there is nothing wrong with having feelings; and feelings return and fade just like the sun and the moon. They are there all the time, we just don’t always see them. When I experience negative feelings that become overwhelming, I find it’s best to take a step out of them. Out of myself. I really try and imagine watching myself having those feelings just like I might watch a movie on a screen! I stand back and breathe. I try not to become enveloped by my emotions; I just watch–non-judgmentally.

To be non-judgmental, I can’t put any value on what I am experiencing. I can’t label it good or bad. It just is! Feelings just are! I have to practice and re-practice this mindful experience without calling myself names or telling myself I am stupid or a failure. I just watch as they play themselves out in front of me, as they perform their little dance, just watch and breathe. One nice thing about our breath, is that it is with us all the time; it is not a card that we have to look for. It is just there, always! At this point, and quite honestly, it doesn’t always work quickly–nonjudgmental–I am becoming present with my feelings. I am sitting with them, experiencing them and allowing them into my life and you know what? These feelings are okay!

For more information on how to accept your feelings, you can visit the CCI site that is pinned to the bottom of my logo. When you click on that, you can scroll down to “Tolerating Distress”. Here you will find a workbook on “Facing Your Feelings”. You might find some of the information repetitive, but I found doing the exercises and writing out a “script” for Mindfulness Distress was extremely helpful in understanding how to “sit” with your feelings.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

From my experience with my own mental health struggles and interacting with others who also struggle, beating yourself up is a common characteristic among us. It is also one of the most damaging. Often we are chastising ourselves for having the feelings we are experiencing. Have you ever questioned your own feelings in comparison with others? I’ve got it better than that person laying on the street; why should I be so unhappy or discontented? Or, I make more money than she does, why am I struggling with my finances? And then there’s this one: I haven’t been through what he has in his life, I don’t have the right to be this angry! And we use exclamation marks in our thinking, while continuously hammering into our heads that we shouldn’t be feeling this way–whether it be unhappy, angry or fearful. And the hammering goes deeper. I’m bad for feeling like I do. I must be a terrible person to be feeling this angry, sad or afraid. Or, I’m less of a person because I feel the way I do. I’m not good enough. I don’t try hard enough. And the “shoulds” begin to bang away inside our minds: I should be able to handle this; I shouldn’t be so lazy; I shouldn’t be so scared…so ashamed…and so on. I’m sure you can fill in anything I have neglected to mention.

What’s really happening when we beat ourselves up for having the feelings we are having, is that we are actually comparing ourselves to others. Once you start “shoulding” on yourself, you are creating fantasies in your mind about how you think others are dealing with their battles when, in fact, you have no idea how they are really feeling. We play a guessing game inside our heads that becomes real instead of the illusion it truly is.

These Mind Games, I believe, are symptoms of mental illness. They are rapidly moving thought patterns that keep us from achieving our full potential. Recognizing them as such is a huge step in the recovery process. But it is not easy. In fact, it takes a lot of hard work and mental exercise to overcome the wizardry of our mentation. We seem to be extremely attached to the imagery that we conceive ourselves to be in. It is “our” perception, after all, and we find it very difficult to eliminate it from our minds. There is much more to delve into here, but I think it is extremely important to pause and consider our options. We are continually inundated by our thoughts. Our thoughts drive our perceptions. Our perceptions affect how we behave. Our behaviour drives our feelings which, in turn, propels new thoughts or, as is often the case, the repetition of old ones. What can we do, moving forward, with this understanding and knowledge as it relates to our mental health? Is there any new learning? Have we rehashed old lessons? Do we need to change in any way? Do we even want to change?

Up Next…CHANGE and ACCEPTANCE

According to the American Psychiatric Association: Mental illnesses are health conditions involving changes in emotion, thinking or behavior (or a combination of these). Mental illnesses are associated with distress and/or problems functioning in social, work or family activities.

You are not alone. You are not your illness/disease. It’s okay not to be okay.

Before you make your own diagnosis, remember there are professionals out there who can help. There are an insurmountable number of self-help books, articles and web resources available to you. You do not have to do this alone; in fact, it is best if you can share this journey with someone, anyone, you trust and feel safe with. Your safety is of utmost importance. If you are feeling unsafe and/or overwhelmed please call or text one of the many crisis lines out there. Here is a link to Mental Health Support in Canada:

https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/mental-health-services/mental-health-get-help.html#a1

For all other countries, you can visit:

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

For a detailed list of the different types of mental illnesses and their symptoms, go to:

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-types-illness