So, after writing Monday’s blog on ‘Worry’, I ended up with a worry hangover. My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim… and I mean really dim. I wrote a poem about my musings, if I can even call them that, but it grew so dark that I couldn’t let anyone in. I am going to share it here, but with a bit of a prologue as I don’t want people triggered or worried by what I have written. It is merely a place I went to for a very short time. I didn’t stick around. Although, when it came to reading it out loud for my recording, I found I sank a bit, at parts. For me, it was very real and maybe you’ve been there yourself. I guess the key is letting it go so it doesn’t take you down with it. Words on a page that reflect an extremely dark place. It is true, this poem, every word of it. There is no frivolity involved I really have been there but I’m not there now. It allowed me to describe where I go and maybe, for the first time, I discovered how I get there. That’s a painful awakening. And, it was difficult to read back to myself let alone repeat it several times for an acceptable recording. I honestly did not realize how heavy my worry can be. I thought of it as a minor inconvenience, but out of that came this horror. I was both enthralled and saddened by this collapse. It is a new insight, new learning which I strive for everyday, so why not this? Sure it’s a difficult and confusing place to go but it’s real, at least for me and I need to deal with it. That’s all there is to it…all this because of one thought, “What if I fail?“
Suddenly it hits me that I’m stuck
What if I can’t do this and I fail?
What if when I fail, I also fall
into the deepest darkest desert once again?
What if this one time I can’t climb out?
What if I fall apart, no longer whole?
What if the shadow shapes begin to stir
and suffocating sadness becomes my shell?
And what if all my burdens bother others?
What if dark depression descends upon my soul?
What if I feel like dying inside-out?
Will I just drown inside my manufactured hole?
What if as I’m crumbling, I crash and cry?
What if light betrays my inner core?
What if I am finished with this fight?
I know, it has contained me countless times before.
What if I forfeit force over my fear?
What if the truth inside me trickles out?
What if my deep desire is only death?
It’s darkness does descend delivering doubt.
What if all that matters inexorably expires?
What if who I am becomes who I am not?
What if trembling trickery does taunt
and the sins that swirl inside me can’t be caught?
And it all comes down to this…
Where my body is around just taking space
because my mind could never really win this race
to the God above, I ask for grace
for a life I couldn’t live and stay on pace.