Life's Lessons and Mental Health

“I keep my standards high because I am worth it”

This affirmation really stuck with me. It made me think of my struggles with perfectionism over my life span and made me wonder if I can let go of other people’s expectations and actually just follow my own. The real trouble is that the voices of others remain in my head. I have trouble discerning where their ideals end and where mine begin. Setting my own standards and ideations seems out of my control because there are so many parts of me that seem to be controlled by the voices I’ve heard over the course of my life.

How does one go about changing their views on their own standards, worth and perfectionism? Having just finished Adam Grant’s Think Again, I have to acknowledge that there are likely more than a few ways to do this and that how I explain my best way, may not be right for everyone. There is room for discussion and argument that I would love to see offered in the comments!

My ideas? Personally, I have to start with my self-worth. If I can redefine this for myself, I believe my standards can remain high without blindly searching for perfection. The concept of my worth was taken by a traumatic incident when I was very young. It left me feeling worthless which was compounded by my sensitive nature as a youth. I took things personally and blamed myself for things that I had no control over. Unworthiness still haunts me but I am beginning to deal with the past through therapy and, in particular and more recently, Parts work. It is changing my life. I’m feeling stronger than I ever have and truly believe that my lost parts can be healed through this important journey. When I first began this work, I actually questioned whether I was worth the trouble. I came to the conclusion that I was and this realization was the beginning of my drive towards a higher sense of self-worth.

When I came across this affirmation, I had already begun my IFS (Internal Family Systems) repairing of my psyche and I realized that if I could grasp the parts that struggle with self-worth that I could change my perfectionist attitude and embrace more reasonable, yet high, standards for myself. This is where I am right now: in the process of recovering my affected parts and comforting them in a way that will unburden them from the grasp of unworthiness and set them free! It is a scary, yet exciting, adventure…I am grateful for the opportunity to participate in this type of work. I can let go of my pursuit of perfection and lack of self-worth that have consumed my life and seize the opportunity to make standards that are more reasonable, while still high…

“I am setting new standards for how I want to treat myself”

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For more information on IFS therapy, please follow the link near the top of my blogging page.

…for love, for that perfect job, that child…it’s something we’re so passionate about that it takes our breath away. We can spend our whole lives chasing a wistful yearning deep inside. And, it changes. With time, with emotional growth, with age, with reality, our longing for that precious desire transforms within. Maybe we get what we’re longing for or, perhaps, we move on. I wonder, though, if our unmet deep desires can forever haunt our psyches?

Possibly, we live a life of “what ifs” that strain our relationships, our connection to others and to ourselves. What if those unmet longings follow us into our new ideals and passions and actually thwart our ability to thrive? How do we overcome the barriers born within us because of unfulfilled longing and desire? Is this even a place we want to explore or would we rather ignore it and move on? I believe there are three possible paths we can face: 1) Our longing is met, 2) The unmet desire remains stuck where it was formed, or 3) We experience the grief of our unfulfilled passion and move on.

If our longing is met, we simply move on, likely in a healthy, satisfied way. But what if reality steps in and literally makes our passion unachievable? What happens then? I believe it is likely that the unmet desire remains stuck and threatens our ability to connect with others in a rewarding way. Possibly the future of our relationships is stripped of any healthy interactions period. So, how does one go about healing the loss of our longings? As with any other loss, we grieve. 

I strongly believe that, unless we can grieve our loss of longing, we simply cannot move forward without threatening the connections we make with others. By entertaining the idea of our desire, we have stepped into the possibility of losing, not something we already have, but something we long lovingly for. When stripped of our passion, we experience a loss within us that is just as heartbreaking as the loss of something tangible; it is a death that leaves us empty, fatigued and lost. In order to move on from this, we need to grieve. We need to wail. We need to be incensed. We need to face our deprivation because it…is…real! We can’t allow others to make light of our situation. I can’t emphasize this enough. We must grieve! We have earned the right; we have suffered and we MUST acknowledge this before we move on. Our relationships are on the line. The future is looming. Allow yourself the space and the time you need to battle this heartbreak. You deserve it! You are worthy!

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Writing is something I not only want to do, but a venture I am driven towards. Authenticity also embodies me in this way. Honesty is directly related to authenticity, so how do I write honestly without putting myself too far out there? I sense, at least at this time in my life, that I need to set boundaries with my blogging. How does one go about setting boundaries and being honest at the same time? I mean, I don’t want to drag people around the whole of my psyche, but I do want to deliver meaningful material that others can relate to.

It takes immense courage to speak honestly and to set boundaries. Personally, I find myself lacking in both of these courageous acts. Maybe my parameters around honesty and boundaries need to be better defined. I don’t want to deliver either one in a harsh or critical way, but in a gentle and healthy manner. Honesty is something I had always veered away from because I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or losing friends, and my boundaries have been either fluid and transparent or strict and solid. For me, there is less of a happy medium. But, I’m trying to change that.

Over the past couple of years, I have been working hard to correct my all or nothing thinking by trying to develop healthy boundaries while speaking my truth. It is most certainly not an easy task but, I believe, it is a critical step towards authenticity. In my opinion, having healthy boundaries and being honest are the cornerstones of all successful relationships. Who doesn’t want this? Well, we don’t want successful relationships with everyone who comes into our lives especially when speaking with the general public, as I do in my blogs. So I have to share what feels safe and hold some personal information sacred. I don’t think this is being dishonest in any way. In fact, it is a good boundary to negotiate. I also believe that adjusting boundaries is done with everyone. Learning who gets to know us really well is a journey we navigate on a daily basis and often this isn’t an easy task. Sometimes trial and error come into play. Setting boundaries and authenticity are navigated and sometimes fail. We learn from this and try again. How many times do we try? As many as it takes if one wants to be truly happy, but that discussion is for another day.

Your thoughts or feelings? Agree/disagree? Any insights to share?

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Well, it’s not quite the New Year, but I’m going to begin today with my Intention for the New Year. It is to write everyday and publish a blog once a week. I’m getting back to basics by first, making a schedule for myself that includes journaling, reading, writing and exercise. I’ve prepared my laptop and WordPress is functional on my phone, so I can make changes or write on the go. The success of any intention is to have a good plan that is doable. I’ve set the days up so I’m following a schedule for, at least, the mornings. There is also room for changes should something social come up like heading to town to see friends or family or to simply shop or go skiing as these things could get in the way and I don’t want to say “no” to them. They are important aspects of my life.

Why share all of this? Just to explain, I guess, how I go about getting back on my feet after months of unproductive ventures–and a week of eating and drinking that has resulted in 15 lbs of weight gain. Having a schedule has always worked for me in the past. It is an effective way for me to get back on track when I’m struggling to put meaningful and rewarding practices together. Of course, I needed, first, to figure out what holds meaning and value for me: socializing, journaling, reading, writing and skiing (in the winter). Blogging is a bonus and often comes out of my daily experiences with my mental health and life struggles mixed in with my longing to communicate with others who may be facing similar challenges.

I want this BLOG to be a place where anyone can explore their trials and errors as well as success and pride for overcoming these. It is, therefore, a valued and safe place with nonjudgmental communication intended to help each other. Comments and personal messages are greatly encouraged. Help me help others share tough life experiences and mental health struggles. We need to stand up for our personal experiences with mental illness and our rights as human beings living with these diseases. I, for one, no longer want or need to be chastised or criticized for living with this chronic illness. It’s real. It’s scary. It can also be extremely debilitating, to the point that some people simply can not understand. Having said that, it can also be an amazing shared experience between all people who experience similar and/or temporary difficulties with mental health.

So, do not be afraid of yourself. Instead, welcome ALL your parts to contribute to your mental well-being. My hope is that this blog helps everyone on some level. It is an exploration into our souls and minds, our thoughts and our feelings that may otherwise be ignored. It’s a journey of celebration not chastisement. Come with me as we explore our passions, our values and our mental health awareness.

What do YOU do to “get back to basics”?

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I haven’t written a BLOG in two weeks. I owe this dilemma to my inability to integrate my own journey with the journey of the world. I refuse to watch the news but it still makes its way into my mind and affects my personal suffering. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. I always have. My concern and worry is pointless unless I can do something about it. I can’t change the world; I can only change myself and that’s where my focus needs to be. I can’t take away the lies of our present situations but I can do something about my own ability to be honest. I believe if the opportunity arises and I CAN do something about the present direction the world is going that I will. Even if I’m putting my life in danger, I can stand up for what I believe in. 

Right now, people are fighting for their beliefs and personal freedoms. Others are battling with nature. I have to keep reminding myself that the world has always been in disarray. There were wars as well as nature’s fury going on in my teens. People say things are worse now, but are they really? I suffered from nightmares of nuclear war when I was 15. Has anything really changed? I have long believed that our democracy is a myth, that we are all bending a knee to something that isn’t real. This is not news to me. My fears now are no worse than my fears when I was young. At the age of 15, I had decided that I would never have kids. I couldn’t bring myself to introduce life into a world that was busy destroying itself. I’ve never regretted that decision.

I have to ask myself, why am I letting the rest of the world dictate my own personal journey again. I guess there might be a greater sense of US and THEM right now and that fear is a driving force behind the volatility of the world. But hasn’t that always been the case? Sure, more people are aware now, but shouldn’t that make me feel safer? Nothing is safe. Nothing is pure. I just can’t believe that I’m in the same space I was in 45 years ago. It makes me want to cry. It affects my sanity. I’m in need of some senseless endeavours. I have to let it go. I have to change the only thing I can–ME. And while I’m busy doing that, the world will continue to destroy itself. But I have a responsibility to myself and, in that, to others, to hold it together and keep hanging on. 

There is a tiny flame inside of me that believes there is good in the world and that, for that, I need to press on. I need to write and share my story because others are struggling with this too. We are good. Maybe not pure, but good. We are doing our best to make this world a better place just by getting to know ourselves and asking hard questions. We go into dark places because we are brave and want to be our best selves. I share my space with you because I think you’re worth it! Just have to remind myself of that every once in a while. Hang in there and believe in the truth of your SELF!

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Polarization of ourselves, our families, our communities and our governments are not serving us well right now. We are divided within ourselves, our families, our communities and our governments. This great divide is hurting us emotionally; we are becoming more lonely and long for the connection with others that we once took for granted. How did this happen? Who do we really want to become? How do we satisfy our own perils and still care deeply for others? Is loneliness the answer? Do we need to be okay with being alone? Yes and No. 

I get daily reminders on Facebook about looking after myself and caring for myself while being kind to others. I believe that being kind to others has been taken over by a need to protect ourselves from past mistakes and heartache. The real problem that I see are people distancing themselves from others in order to protect themselves from hurt and pain. Instead of healing themselves from the past, the past is showing up in the present. We seem to forget that healing past wounds is as important as standing up for our beliefs. I frequently hear, “I won’t let that happen to me again”. THAT usually being a relationship that was emotionally painful. How do we really care for ourselves in a way that doesn’t misjudge what we desperately need? While our pasts are kicking our butts—even though we think they’re not—we are kicking others and in the process, we’re making decisions based on past experiences that continue to be traumatic to ourselves. 

How can we truly be ourselves without putting the past to rest? Get out those values again. Are we really being kind, honest and accountable or does the past haunt how kind we’ll be, how honest we are with ourselves and how accountable we are with both ourselves and others? In short, can we heal our past mistakes and the trauma caused by others to build ourselves a new slate on which to stand? One that reflects core values untainted from past bitter experiences? Or are we doomed to live for a traumatized, mistake-driven, unaccountable SELF, family, community and government, still lost in the past? 

I’m going to step out on a limb here and actually profess that I don’t believe we can be our true selves without healing our past selves. If we’re still making decisions based on selves still hurting from our past, we are not being true to the self that we originally were. I want to be true to the self I was meant to be, not the self my past has made me. That being said, healed parts of myself contribute to who I am right now and through their continued healing help me become the person I am meant to be. The loneliness I feel is only one part of myself. It does not control who I am; although, it contributes to it. The fear I feel when standing up for myself comes from the past, not the present. When I show up with my healed self, I will be who I was meant to be. In the meantime, I am becoming, and still have much to learn, as do our families, communities and governments. I wish we could all just realize this.

The road to effective leadership begins with the whole-hearted living of individuals, families and communities. It becomes itself once our own personal needs are dealt with. The need for food, shelter and love within our own system has to come first if we are to be able to feed, clothe and love others. And we have to be accountable. We have to right our wrongs and own them. We need to show up in our families, communities and governments and lead from a place of effectiveness instead of selfishness. A place that understands our own personal inadequacies and those of our governments. You won’t be an adequate leader if you can’t show up!

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Because I can’t think of any better title. It’s all just stuff! It fills our minds and reaches into our souls. But how many minds and souls believe in the same things? Should we get together? Communicate? What if our ideas could become realities? If we just reached out to others, would there be too much conflict to rumble with or would we actually listen to each other, believe in each other and hold each other accountable? What would happen if the world did this? How many brave souls are out there? Not the politicians. Not the bureaucracy of organized religion. At least, I don’t think so.

Where do we gather with other independent thinkers and feelers? What would be the cost? It’s always a trade off, isn’t it? What would we lose? Our dignity? Our pride? Our individuality? I think we can hold on to all three and survive. If those of us who gather can be open-minded, kind and thoughtful, shouldn’t we be able to accompany our differences, celebrate them even? 

I’m thinking of us as individuals who, ourselves, have amalgamated our own thoughts, feelings and actions. Not an easy task, believe me, I know, but possible, isn’t it? And if we’re all busy reuniting with the differences within us, won’t we become open to the differences of others? If we can embrace and nurture ourselves in our entirety, can’t we begin to heal, accept and care for those around us? If we have our individual needs met, won’t we naturally acknowledge and satisfy the needs of others?

Like-minded in our values while being ourselves gives us space for our individuality. We don’t have to all be the same; in fact, I don’t think that would even be a good thing. Celebrating our differences while acknowledging our similarities is to sustain our values while moving forward with each other instead of drifting apart. If I respect and value you, will you not respect and value me? 

But it all begins with respecting and valuing the differences within ourSELVES, I believe. We have to put our own individual differences in order and by that, I mean, accepting and nurturing the different parts that gather within us. The judgmental, emotional, thinking, sacrificial parts that are evolving inside us as individuals. This is where I am in my personal journey towards becoming mySELF. And this is where I’m at in truly knowing others. A journey full of surprise, intention and acceptance. Be okay with who you are becoming and allow yourself to do it!

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As I worked through my day yesterday, I was looking to foster confidence in my life. This would take courage, especially to do it soberly. I began drinking when I was 12. It was to be the first of many years absorbed in my fear of not “fitting in”. Already, at this tender age, I belonged nowhere and everywhere. Never in my deepest thoughts did I think I would be coming back to actually cultivating this true sense of belonging. Nowhere and everywhere. I shuffled my way between friends—trying to hang with the cool ones while embracing the uniqueness of the odd ones. I was confused to no end of where I actually fit in. The drinkers, the stoners and the thinkers, all intrigued me. Very often I would find myself stuck between the morals of my faith and the freedom of my thoughts. For the most part, my thinking process won. I became rebellious and conflicted. But I never had much confidence in either. Thus the drugs and alcohol. 

Now, at age 60, I find myself exploring the possibility of getting to know my uncertainties while embracing courage and confidence. Accepting that uncertainty is a part of being human and that it is okay is a difficult process. I am learning that despite uncertainty one can become confident and strong in certain beliefs. Kindness, curiosity, compassion and courage can all be absorbed with certainty. I am positive these qualities are truth. They are a part of who I aspire to be despite the difficulties these beliefs present. The contradictions of a restraining religious order, the confusion in my mind of lost children and the rebellion of a feisty 12 year old all conspire to belittle my faith in my values despite the fact that I believe in their certainty. 

Paradoxes. Life is full of them. Truths become lies and lies become truths; certainties become uncertainties while uncertainties evolve into certainties. Everything becomes misconstrued and onerous, and confusion ensues, wreaking havoc on a tender mind—an unsuspecting 12 year old mind. Only to resurface at 60, when I begin to re-evaluate my life and where I’ve been and where I want to go. That tween is still with me; I haven’t been able to befriend her, but I need to as she still unsettles my perceptions and my actions. She continues to hold a place in my heart that I need to embrace. Her confusion is real, her skepticism irrefutable and her feisty conviction to protect others palpable. But where is her fervor for the protection of her own soul? That she leaves to drugs and alcohol and reality becomes tainted. Connection and the courage to stand up for her own truth become belittled and non-existent. Unworthiness is sustained. 

Finding this life form within me forces my own reality, at 60, to come into question and curiosity permeates my being. Non-judgmental, open-minded awareness begins to see this part of me as an ally within my truth. I begin to show her compassion and give her a voice. And I listen. Her voice is here. She has spoken her truth. I accept and respect it. But do I need the defenses that come up in response to her trepidation? The silencing, avoiding and isolation that comes to protect her fear is no longer necessary. I can take care of my needs now. I’m braver and wiser than I was when I was 12. I need to let her know that I’m okay, that we’re okay!

Sometimes these genuine parts show up in our lives that are trying to save us from something that once threatened us but is no longer there. We’ve moved on, learned lessons and put strategies into play that make our need for these defenses fruitless. They only serve to destroy our relationships, interrupt our growth and keep us hidden from our true selves. Grasping them with compassion and giving them space to see our intentions and growth allows us to let go of the defenses that once served us well.

My desire and need to be confident and courageous is threatened by this part and the reactions it solicits. Embracing that fearful child takes away the power of her fear. It frees me. Embracing your ‘exiles’ (IFS) releases their power. Trying to ignore them increases their power and they will continue to shadow your reactions, choices and decisions. Just wondering if anyone else out there struggles with the past bumping into their future, resulting in broken relationships, the sense of not being enough and the fear of being themselves?

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Today, I want to talk a bit about our passions and gratitude. Understanding and finding our passions, the things we love to do, gives us part of the road map we need to follow our dreams and be grateful for what we have. Some of you may not even be able to think of the things you really love to do because of the darkness that surrounds you. I challenge you to look into the abyss before you, that is waiting to suck you in, and smile. If you can, allow yourself to fall into it. Remember, you are making that decision; it isn’t sucking you in. As you descend, pay attention to the experiences and situations that envelope you. Some will be dark, but others will be light. You can investigate them all, practicing non-judgment and curiosity; what’s really there?

In my descent, I see music (sometimes of the dark flavour), my writing (also surrounded by darkness) and my need for life-long learning. These are some of the passions I have. They reflect all of me—the light and the dark, and can be used in all situations and to enhance every experience. Our passions go where we go. They follow us into the abyss and continue to follow us out. Grab a hold of them. Write them down. And dwell within them. My passions have helped me escape depression and set me back upright. Yours can too! Just hold on to them and remember, they are always there.

Gratitude can lift you up. I am practicing being grateful for the darkness because it shows me where there is light and then I am grateful for that glorious, rich brilliance. I’m grateful for all the baggage I carry, for if it didn’t weigh me down, I would not understand the relief when it’s gone. I’m grateful for all my past mistakes because without them, I would not have learned. And I practice gratitude towards the past trauma, because without it, I would not be the person I am today and I’m really beginning to like who I’m becoming. 

Death does not have a stranglehold on me because there is so much I am grateful for. Fear is dissipating because I’m giving it space, time and encouragement to show me where it comes from. I’m paying attention to my gifts, my passions and my values and I am restoring my SELF to its natural peace and tranquillity. Its innocence, its fragility and its gifts. 

SELF is where I hang my hat. It can be trusted and is strong with an open heart for compassion and vulnerability. It is guiding me through this continuous journey of thoughts, depression and joy. Everything I am exposed to can be welcomed by my SELF and allowed to have its own experience. When I’m this close to my SELF, nothing can break me. I am strong, confident and free! I am ME!

GET TO KNOW YOUR SELF!

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“Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.” (Brene` Brown, Daring Greatly). 

First of all, how does one define vulnerability? I don’t believe it is just about sharing your life challenges with others; it is also about honesty between people: disagreements, calling people out and admitting imperfection in ourselves. So, who goes first? Who admits their shortcomings while staying true to their values before the other person reciprocates? If we always wait for someone else to go first, how do we get to the core of sharing the feelings we have about our experiences? Feelings are key! I believe. Finding them must be at the top of our list while pursuing our true selves and connecting with others.

What are your key values in life? What do you most want your life to be about? This is one of the few things we actually get to choose! Our decisions, responses and choices hinge on our core values. So what are yours? What are mine? Do we actually practice these in our lives? I need to define mine. Do you need to name yours?

I know I often fall short. That’s humanity, but our humanity can not be a place to hang our shortcomings; we need to own them, be accountable and make amends. Only through this process can we be truly, and sometimes brutally, honest with ourselves and others. Maybe honesty and authenticity aren’t part of your core values. That’s okay. We will all be different. I do think these are necessary, though, if we are going to have strong emotional attachments with others. When we venture out into that dark cold world and brush against connection, we need to know who our people are. I believe they need to share some of the same values as we do. There will always be differences that we can acknowledge and respect, but in general, I feel I, anyway, need the people closest to me to share my base belief system: Honesty, Integrity, Authenticity, Respect, Accountability, Personal Growth and Kindness.

But back to the beginning. Who shares first? How do we know we can trust someone who hasn’t shared and been vulnerable themselves? I think we share small things. Test the waters and weigh in on what we share. Our feelings can be fragile and sacred. We need to honour them–our own and other’s. Remember that we are all in the same boat. We can either risk vulnerability and connect or remain silent and distant. The choice is always ours. Check your own vulnerability radar and I will check mine. The responsibility of connection is ours and ours alone.

Maybe, it is the one with the most courage who shares first…

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