Life's Lessons and Mental Health

I’m getting there…the honesty is beginning to spew out into my life. Today, I ask, “is there anyone who really does something selflessly?” And if they do, how is it affecting their minds and souls? Are they resentful? If they are, then it’s not really who they are but who they wish they were. If we look deep inside ourselves, are we ever really acting selflessly or are we acting, in the long run, for ourselves?

If we act out of guilt or to prevent ourselves from suffering, are we REALLY looking out for others? Is there something in it for us? Even if we feel happy about helping other people, we are acting selfishly because it makes us feel good! I know when I scrutinize my actions and delve deeper into “what am I getting out of this?” that there is a selfish desire my actions are fulfilling. Even, and this will likely BOTHER people, but even if we gave our life for our kids, is there not a selfish component to that? Something along the lines, of “I couldn’t live without them”? BUT, they, now, have to live without you and not just that, but the idea that they are the reason you are dead. What a guilt trip that is!

So, if we ARE acting on our own behalf most, if not all, of the time, how do we reconcile this into being a KIND HUMAN–if that is what we aspire to be? What, even, makes up a kind human? Possibly, this is different for all of us, so I will speak to my own definition…courageous (takes risks when interacting with others), honest (almost to a fault, but not quite), willing (listens to and acts upon constructive criticism), trustworthy (their word is honour), thoughtful (reflects on what they are saying/doing), considerate (takes other people’s feelings into consideration and behaves/speaks accordingly)…all in all, a tall order!

Having said all that, remember, this is what we ASPIRE to be. We ARE human. We can’t be all of this all of the time…we work TOWARDS these objectives. We are NOT going to achieve this state of being, I don’t think, but we can hold these traits close to our heart and act accordingly. Remember, also, that YOUR friends/family can not harness this way of being to its full capacity either. THEY are human! Humanity comes with shortcomings in every area of our lives. WE will not be perfect, and neither will those you encounter. 

Give yourself, and OTHERS a break! Kind people wander this earth to their own degree. How we react to them, is based on our own ability to be kind. Only ‘I’ can control my own responses and only YOU can control yours. We are selfish beings–most of the time–so we need to recognize and OWN this. We also need to do our best to recognize and respond to those we interact with in a way that strives towards considerate honesty, courage, willingness, trustworthiness and thoughtfulness.

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It’s really difficult to process life in general, and once you’re this far into the wilderness, it gets even worse. Joyous words for certain. Should life be difficult to navigate? Or should things run smoothly and in control? As much as that would be nice, it is not the way life goes when experiencing reality. It throws curve balls and tries to drown us in inadequacies and short-comings. Scarcity runs rampant and our beliefs of never being good enough, smart enough or diligent enough, run rampant. And even though we’re always fighting these feelings, we seldom win unless we take stock of our insecurities and face them head on. Those things we want to hide from others? We can take them and broadcast them. Make them visible. Rely on them to keep us honest in our pursuit of happiness. It doesn’t make us weaker or less valuable; it makes us stronger and more aware. Who doesn’t want that? Facing the fear of inadequacy stabilizes us and gives us permission to accept differences in perception. Relying on and celebrating these short-comings actually motivates us to become better participants in our own lives. 

Do we strive for perfection? Some of us, yes, but achieving that is beyond our capabilities and as much as we don’t want to admit that, it is true. Having said that, we can say we believe it, and still strive for the best out of ourselves. Take note, that our best isn’t perfect, but it needs to be good enough because that’s as far as we can reach. We have limitations. Yes, we do! And these turn into boundaries. Boundaries with ourselves and with others. Boundaries are based on our limitations. There needs to be a point where we say, “enough!”. I’m not doing this anymore and nobody’s going to take me beyond this. It’s not healthy for me or for others interacting with me. Boundaries enforce reality checks and everybody needs them. 

So, why is it so difficult for some of us to form boundaries? I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s more about pleasing everyone. And even when I say I’m not doing that (pleasing everyone), I am. Or, at least, I’m trying. Yes, even when I don’t want to do that, I still try. Why? I ask myself. Right here, right now…why? Is it the fear, maybe, of upsetting people? I guess, for me, that is true. Because upsetting people is taboo? Yes, it’s mean and even scary, sometimes, to upset people. Fear of losing that person as a friend and possibly hurting their feelings can be awkward for sure, but what about our feelings? Don’t they count? If we hurt ourselves while protecting others, is that healthy? Or even necessary? Our own feelings don’t count? The wear and tear on our own energy, while trying to please others, just doesn’t seem as important as the stress we think we might put upon others. 

Personally, I think–although, I don’t always practice this–setting boundaries is good for everyone. It’s just about taking that leap into that unknown realm. Being knee deep in the wilderness is about courage and commitment to ourselves and others. It’s about honesty and integrity. Two facets of life that, at least for me, are extremely important. To be honest about our limitations in any area of our lives, while difficult, is still necessary for everyone’s sanity. How can our own experience mean less than someone else’s? It can’t. Because it is ours and our personal journey is just as important as anyone else’s. But, really, if we’re being honest, our own journeys are what we should be focusing on. How do we navigate life with honesty and integrity and not set boundaries? I don’t think it is possible. But, let’s just stew over that for a while. 

Know your limits and adjust your expectations of both yourself and others. I am speaking to myself here, also! Think carefully about what you are doing and ask: How is this affecting me? Am I feeling resentful? Stuck? At a loss? Because if we’re feeling these things, boundaries need to be set–for everyone involved. Try not to walk on eggshells…try to be true to yourself; everything else, I believe, will fall in place.

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My own psyche hurts sometimes. Where do I go from here? Where have I already been? Is this safe? Will it be ridiculed? What will others think? All blockages to creativity and authenticity. Two attitudes that mean more to me than anything. But, what is authenticity and how is creativity defined? It’s here that I falter, for who am I to make a judgment over these states of being? And still, I yearn for them. I don’t want to care what other people will think, but I do. I don’t want to be stuck and at a loss for words, and yet, I am. I want to breathe deep and exhale my truth, my story without the ‘hangers on’ behind, beside or in front of me. To dip my toes into my own reality and face it without the worry of failing others.

Step 1,2,3 and 4? “JUST DO IT”. Three simple words that throw a solid punch–if you listen to them. So, here I go, into the depths of my inner world where there are many characters, some of whom I don’t even know yet. They speak of good and bad, failure and success, loss and gain and all the other dichotomies of the world we live and die in. I’ll make the argument that we all experience these opposite states during the process of life and death. 

I want to draw your attention towards ‘authenticity’ and ‘deception’. First of all, are they even dichotomies? Authenticity is defined as being genuine, legitimate and having ‘undisputed’ credibility. Think of that word–undisputed–and its meaning. It isn’t questioned, cannot be denied and can’t be challenged. That’s a pretty pure state of being; one, I would question achieving in a single lifetime. Deception is defined as misrepresentation, deceit or a misleading falsehood. So, can an individual be authentic and deceptive at the same time? If one is a deceptive and deceitful person who displays misleading falsehoods, is he/she being authentic? I would admit that, for me, if someone is an undisputed liar, I don’t want to associate with them. I’m just not ‘sure’ if that deception is being authentic?

Authenticity, for me, comes from deep inside. From a place that has been explored, tried, disputed and explored again. If I were to become completely authentic, if I gave a voice to all the characters in my head, you would no-doubtably be overwhelmed, not to mention, confused and maybe even worried–about my state of mind. You would like me some of the time, but not all of the time. And, you know what? That should be okay! If we are to be liked ‘all of the time’ then I don’t believe we are being ‘real’. In fact, pleasing others becomes our life and we never do anything for ourselves–which is no way to live; at least, I don’t think it is. Of course, we can please others at times, when it is healthy for us to do that, but if we do it all the time, we will find ourselves resentful, overwhelmed and, potentially, ill.

The real question we have to put to ourselves isn’t how much people respect our ability to always please others, but how honest a human we are. Honesty is healthier, keeps you happy, and can free you up to help others when you really want to. Yes, sometimes, we do things we don’t want to do to help others out, but I don’t think it should be a constant habit that takes us to a place of grudges and ill feelings and it just can’t hamper our own happiness, joy and pleasures; we don’t have the time and energy it takes to be people pleasers; it can destroy both our friendships with others and the relationship we have with ourselves. 

Authenticity requires us to know our truth, define it and live by it. Boundaries need to be placed, but not lightly. Thought goes into making the decisions relating to what life throws at us; that same reasoning needs to go into the relationships we have and how we behave when in them. Honestly and respectfully? Or begrudgingly and resentfully? I believe having a strong and sturdy mind is as important as a healthy body. We have to take care of that; we have to know ourselves and our own limits and respect them. Only we can live the life we desire; only we can change and grow ourselves. It can sometimes be a constant struggle but we can only guarantee our own actions and responses; we need to step up and be seen–as we truly believe ourselves to be.

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It’s 4:00 am and I’m sitting in a dive motel. Although, the room seems clean enough and the bed is comfortable to watch t.v. in–at least it has a goggle box! Understanding that will reveal your age or lack thereof. Back to the Motel…it’s on Airport Road in Toronto–or Mississauga, if you want to get technical–and I had to make a U-turn through three lanes of traffic to get to the immediate entrance which I missed my first time around because the sign for it is on one of those mini-mall light-up posts. I kid you not, it’s in a mini mall. The hotel entrance is shared with three other businesses–all rental car agencies–and there is one line-up for all four. I feel like I’m in a northern hick town. Albeit has a Subway restaurant  right next door!

What a shit show! At the airport now, sitting at my gate. Two hours before we board. Glad to see that Hotel experience in the rear view mirror. Of course, I have to get back there to pick up my Jeep when I get home, but will worry about that when the time comes. Security and Customs were a breeze! Then again, I only had cigarettes to declare and they didn’t check. There are a few other people here already as well and more slowly descend. Do you know where I’m going? Flying into Tampa where good friends will meet me and then a 1 hr drive to Mulberry in Polk County–where the sherriff is top notch, apparently. Hopefully, I don’t have to find out!

So, the title of this Blog? Situational Nightmares. Made that up, by the way; at least, I think I did! Apart from the Hotel being a nasty experience, I had travel nightmares: I didn’t hear my alarm go off so I woke up late. Then I had all this stuff with me that had to go back into my Jeep before I could leave. There were a bunch of people helping me get organized but the time was drifting away and my belongings just kept piling up. Couldn’t figure out how I had accumulated so much and why I would bring it up to my room with me. Then my Jeep got wrecked and we couldn’t fit anymore into it. The front was at the back and the back was at the front. Couldn’t get the rear gate shut. Yet, more and more stuff needed to go in. Eventually, I gave up and told my friends to finish up as I was going to the airport. Then, of course, the Shuttle took forever to come. I was going to be late for my flight. Suddenly, I woke up. It was 3 a.m. and this Blog begins shortly after.

So, here I am, on the plane. One hour in. We left a half hour late so will see if we make up any time. Supposed to land at 1:03 pm.. It has been an uneventful ride so far. I am grateful that the only open seat on the plane is beside me. Got lucky, I guess. Elbow room. Watched as we flew over what I think was lake Erie, but could have been Ontario. We were West of Virginia when I last checked. Looks as if we’re directly over Charlotte right this moment…says about an hour to go, but that can’t be right as we just left an hour ago and flight is nearly 3 hours. I guess we will see. I so love flying–especially taking off. Like landing as well, but taking off gives me an amazing feeling inside. Can’t control the tummy flutters. Makes the whole trip worthwhile. Didn’t have any situational nightmares about the flight, just making it to the flight.

We arrived at 1:03 on the dot and I’ve been here for 5 days now. I’ve seen alligators, geckos and a dozen different types of birds. Went to Winterhaven and danced up a storm. Hopefully looking for my own place on Tuesday–not to stay this year—for future years. Absolutely love it here and we’re only an hour from Tampa and the beach. Actually going to John’s Pass on Wednesday. But before we do that, we’re moving to my friends’ new place. The days are filled with sun, fun and shenanigans! It’s an active 55+ community with shuffleboard, bocce, golf and a dozen other things to do. Amazing people and having the time of my life!

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No one is immune from pain, neither physical nor emotional, but we often try to protect ourselves from the suffering it puts upon us–especially our emotional pain. We might hide it, dismiss it, numb it, let it build or even fear its power over us. All these conditions lay the groundwork for dismissing a real experience. We cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge and entertaining its absence will only increase our experience of it. In other words, trying to ignore our pain only gives it more power over us. So, how do we use this knowledge to help us encounter our pain?

Let’s take a look at the scenarios that interfere with our experience of emotional pain: when we try to hide and/or dismiss the hurt feelings inside us, we often actually intensify its presence. In fact, it can send us right off the deep end by infiltrating into good relationships where we proceed to bury it again. The real problem is that it never really goes away. It sits and festers, affecting new and old connections with those we value most. Sometimes it shows its face in a lack of trust with people; other times it could actually terrorize the love we feel for others. There are a multitude of ways it can destroy our lives if we allow it to; and we are allowing it when we don’t face it.

Another way in which we try to protect ourselves from emotional pain, is to numb it. This occurs when we turn to alcohol, drugs or food to try and distance ourselves from the intensity of our emotions. We mistakenly think that these forms of self-harm will save us from the lethargy, depression and indifference we experience when faced with raw despair. But what actually happens is that we set up a temporary relief station that, with time, only embellishes the heartache, actually making it worse in the long run. It doesn’t go away; it stagnates inside of us causing all sorts of physical and emotional suffering.

If, by chance or by design, we are given permission to feel our pain, we actually have better odds of surviving it. This is sometimes called “sitting with the emotion”. It becomes a thoughtful act of focusing on the pain on purpose, mindfully. It is giving yourself permission to feel. But why do we stifle our emotions in the first place? Why do we need our own approval or the acknowledgment from others to be able to feel? I mean, the one thing all humans have in common is their passion, their affectivity, their fervor for life. Even joy is illusive because with joy comes sorrow. With the light also comes the darkness. There’s really no escaping it and yet we try. Why are we, as a human species, so afraid of the emotional experience? Is it just our fear of what encountering the pain will be like? It would seem to be so. And yet, how can we honestly face our reality without facing both the despair and the joyfulness of our stories? I don’t think we can. What if this is the reason there is so much suffering by disease and illness? Think about this: is learning to tolerate our emotional distress the cure to our physical ailments?

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Here it is, Thursday night, 9:30 pm. I haven’t written since Monday, when I started a blog that I have since discarded for this one. I’ve been thrown into a spiral of procrastination that has affected everything on my schedule. No yoga, no journaling, no writing. The only thing I’ve been able to keep up are my meditations. It’s definitely been a sour week. Not sure what I’ve been waiting for, but it hasn’t arrived, that’s for sure. As a rule, I like to have my blog written by now and ready to go for tomorrow but this week has had a mind of its own.

As a result, I’m sitting here watching Edmonton play Tampa while hacking away at this keyboard. I’m trying hard not to let this week’s lack of productivity get me down and, I guess, I’m fighting back a bit by doing this now. Blogging is something I really cherish; I want to connect with my readers on a regular basis. I need to do this and who doesn’t suffer from delaying the inevitable on some occasions? This sure isn’t my first time caught up in a procrastination struggle and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I’m also pretty certain that others can relate.

I think one of the biggest obstacles to overcome with procrastination is beating yourself up. If you can prevent this from happening, I believe you can begin to fight back. Picking yourself up and putting yourself back into the game may not be easy but it is certainly worth trying. So, I left this last night. It is now 6:50 am. Publish time is 7:00. Looks as if I’m not going to make my own deadline. How do I feel about that? Well, I’m going to let myself off the hook because that’s what’s best for my mental health. I refuse to let it bring me down. I will likely have a chat with my parts and try to get to the source of the problem but for now, I am letting it go.

I will see how I handle the rest of my day…do I continue with my routine or do I fail again? Remember that failing is a part of life. It’s what we DO with our shortcomings that defines us. Even that can fall prey to failure, so we try again tomorrow. We keep trying. Just wondering how you handle your procrastination–if it’s something you struggle with? I’m really interested in other ideas and how you would cope with this dilemma?

Look at that, I’m only about 20 minutes late and that’s better than nothing.

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“I keep my standards high because I am worth it”

This affirmation really stuck with me. It made me think of my struggles with perfectionism over my life span and made me wonder if I can let go of other people’s expectations and actually just follow my own. The real trouble is that the voices of others remain in my head. I have trouble discerning where their ideals end and where mine begin. Setting my own standards and ideations seems out of my control because there are so many parts of me that seem to be controlled by the voices I’ve heard over the course of my life.

How does one go about changing their views on their own standards, worth and perfectionism? Having just finished Adam Grant’s Think Again, I have to acknowledge that there are likely more than a few ways to do this and that how I explain my best way, may not be right for everyone. There is room for discussion and argument that I would love to see offered in the comments!

My ideas? Personally, I have to start with my self-worth. If I can redefine this for myself, I believe my standards can remain high without blindly searching for perfection. The concept of my worth was taken by a traumatic incident when I was very young. It left me feeling worthless which was compounded by my sensitive nature as a youth. I took things personally and blamed myself for things that I had no control over. Unworthiness still haunts me but I am beginning to deal with the past through therapy and, in particular and more recently, Parts work. It is changing my life. I’m feeling stronger than I ever have and truly believe that my lost parts can be healed through this important journey. When I first began this work, I actually questioned whether I was worth the trouble. I came to the conclusion that I was and this realization was the beginning of my drive towards a higher sense of self-worth.

When I came across this affirmation, I had already begun my IFS (Internal Family Systems) repairing of my psyche and I realized that if I could grasp the parts that struggle with self-worth that I could change my perfectionist attitude and embrace more reasonable, yet high, standards for myself. This is where I am right now: in the process of recovering my affected parts and comforting them in a way that will unburden them from the grasp of unworthiness and set them free! It is a scary, yet exciting, adventure…I am grateful for the opportunity to participate in this type of work. I can let go of my pursuit of perfection and lack of self-worth that have consumed my life and seize the opportunity to make standards that are more reasonable, while still high…

“I am setting new standards for how I want to treat myself”

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For more information on IFS therapy, please follow the link near the top of my blogging page.

…for love, for that perfect job, that child…it’s something we’re so passionate about that it takes our breath away. We can spend our whole lives chasing a wistful yearning deep inside. And, it changes. With time, with emotional growth, with age, with reality, our longing for that precious desire transforms within. Maybe we get what we’re longing for or, perhaps, we move on. I wonder, though, if our unmet deep desires can forever haunt our psyches?

Possibly, we live a life of “what ifs” that strain our relationships, our connection to others and to ourselves. What if those unmet longings follow us into our new ideals and passions and actually thwart our ability to thrive? How do we overcome the barriers born within us because of unfulfilled longing and desire? Is this even a place we want to explore or would we rather ignore it and move on? I believe there are three possible paths we can face: 1) Our longing is met, 2) The unmet desire remains stuck where it was formed, or 3) We experience the grief of our unfulfilled passion and move on.

If our longing is met, we simply move on, likely in a healthy, satisfied way. But what if reality steps in and literally makes our passion unachievable? What happens then? I believe it is likely that the unmet desire remains stuck and threatens our ability to connect with others in a rewarding way. Possibly the future of our relationships is stripped of any healthy interactions period. So, how does one go about healing the loss of our longings? As with any other loss, we grieve. 

I strongly believe that, unless we can grieve our loss of longing, we simply cannot move forward without threatening the connections we make with others. By entertaining the idea of our desire, we have stepped into the possibility of losing, not something we already have, but something we long lovingly for. When stripped of our passion, we experience a loss within us that is just as heartbreaking as the loss of something tangible; it is a death that leaves us empty, fatigued and lost. In order to move on from this, we need to grieve. We need to wail. We need to be incensed. We need to face our deprivation because it…is…real! We can’t allow others to make light of our situation. I can’t emphasize this enough. We must grieve! We have earned the right; we have suffered and we MUST acknowledge this before we move on. Our relationships are on the line. The future is looming. Allow yourself the space and the time you need to battle this heartbreak. You deserve it! You are worthy!

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