Life's Lessons and Mental Health

It is a wise human that recognizes truth comes in many forms and perspectives. It is a dull one who experiences their own truth as the only way.

Judgment, lies, hate. I like people who allow others to make mistakes. I like people who can admit that they are wrong. I also like people who passionately speak their truth. I’m drawn to this type of human being so this is who I aspire to be. I believe judgment is best left to the Universe because, as humans, I don’t believe we have the capacity nor the right to FORCE our beliefs on others. My aspiration, my truth. It just makes sense to me that if I want people to allow me my truth then I have to allow them theirs.

So, why do I believe this and where do I draw my own line on others? I think that history proves passing judgment on others is where conflict begins. War, fear, hate and superiority have no place in my life except to prove to me that these ‘aspirations’ cause unrest between individuals and groups. If it is your intent to pass judgment on others, then it had better be because others are passing judgment on you. Even that line should not be crossed lightly, because where does it end? It just keeps piling up—line after line is crossed. Back and forth–first one bomb and then another in retaliation. 

Over the last while, I’ve been examining love and how it relates to my life. I’ve come to understand that there are degrees of love. The way we love our partners is different to the way we love our children and the way we love our acquaintances is different from the way we love our closer friends and family. Some people believe we can both hate and love someone at the same time. I believe we might dislike their actions and form boundaries for ourselves around those and I believe real love always includes boundaries. They become a mainstay of practicing love. Without boundaries, love becomes about us instead of about others. We need to be loved ourselves so we forgo boundaries in order to maintain that perceived love. It meets our needs rather than other people’s. Boundaries actually help others learn to set their own. Love needs to be about others not ourselves. It isn’t about being loved back–that would not be real. If we ask ourselves ‘am I doing this because I am afraid of losing someone?’, it is about us, not them. Modeling the use of boundaries for our loved ones, gives them the freedom to set their own, which, I believe, is a necessary part of offering love to others.

I honestly don’t think I’m ready to live in the wilderness full time. I don’t think I’ve found enough like-minded people to feel safe. Maybe being in the wilderness, for me, right now, is about listening. Reading and writing instead of speaking. I suppose I am acting out of fear to take this stance; I’m afraid of REALLY being alone. That is what I need to focus on right now–the fear of standing alone because that, really, is what the wilderness is all about. Being brave enough to speak my truth regardless of the support I get for it. It disappoints me to think this way. I truly believe that the wilderness is a sacred place and the courage it takes to live and breathe in it is a lofty endeavour. Who knows, possibly the steps I’ve taken up until this point in my life have actually prepared me for standing alone. Maybe my wilderness is just a small leap instead of a giant one. Future actions and BLOGS might take me there regardless of my fear. My thoughts are there already; my actions just need to follow. 

The Wilderness is not for the faint of heart. When I allow my actions to be dictated by the reactions of others, I am not ‘braving the wilderness’; I am pleasing others. This is, right now, what I need to remove myself from. To be truly free, I need to walk away from the control I allow others to have over me. I need to remove myself from judgment, criticism and supremacy over both myself and others. This is MY wilderness. I need to embrace it with my whole heart and live within it. I don’t believe for an instant that this is an overnight endeavour; it is drawn-out over time; it is momentary; but, it is inevitable–at least for me. Non-judgment, truth, love.

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They whispered to her, “You can’t withstand the storm”. She whispered back, “I am the storm”. Jake Remmington

Being neck deep in the wilderness isn’t about drowning–not yet–but it is pretty damn close to living on the edge. I’m not talking about physical danger; I’m talking about emotional reckoning. A physiological response, we need to get curious about. The first story you tell yourself, reveals everything you need to explore. Focus on the story you’re telling yourself about the situation. This is the answer to better communication and understanding of yourself and others. When we can reveal our stories to each other in an honest and gentle way, we open the lines of communication between us.

When listening to each other, find out what a person’s intent is in relation to their words and actions–we need to know this to make good decisions about how we’re going to react to them. Guessing only reflects our own ignorance. We can’t really know another person’s intent or story without asking curiously about it. It’s important to remain curious and not judgmental. It’s like an investigation into each other’s honest thoughts, fears and desires.

Revealing your story and intentions brings you into the wilderness because you are in a vulnerable position, but this vulnerability is what makes you you! If we are honest, curious and non-judgmental, I don’t think we stand alone in the wilderness for long before others are there with us. The vulnerability we feel while being authentic actually sets us free. It brings our deepest desires and conflicts into the open where we can sort through the story we are telling ourselves and explore it curiously.

I want to share my story and I’m sure I will do that over the winter months. I want to be open and honest and live my life fearlessly. That is freedom. It doesn’t mean I don’t listen. In actual fact, it means I can listen more intently and curiously without the fear of your story overwhelming me. I believe that in sharing my stories, I can help others share there’s. If I am vulnerable I can curiously explore your vulnerability also without the fear of criticism that keeps us silent in the first place.

Will I care what people think? I will care what SOME people think because I respect their opinion and it will keep me honest. But I can’t care what everyone thinks, no, because not everyone is going to be open and honest with me. I will, though, have a responsibility to understand people who are suffering from a “Disease to Please” as it is a difficult predicament to be in, no matter which end you are on–-the receiving or the giving. Taking that risk of honesty puts me in the driver’s seat of my own story and gives me the capacity to listen openly and freely to YOURS. 

In this way, curiosity takes the place of vulnerability and shame. When we feel vulnerable and shamed, check out the facts and get curious as to what is going on inside you and others. Ask questions for clarity–of ourselves and others–and help solve the adversity between us and within us. Compassion draws us closer to each other and ourselves as we navigate the deepness of our truth and wisdom.

In conclusion, the Wilderness is our vulnerable selves out in the world. Those parts we hide because of our fear of criticism? We send them out into the universe and converse about them because remaining silent is what causes our humanity to disappear. Our imperfections and inadequacies come into the light and we have the brave opportunity to change our reactions and judgment of ourselves and others. The wilderness, although frightening, is where we discover the freedom to be who we really are in an ever-changing world. We can begin to adjust our reactions in the light of our own self-actualization. Compassion and curiosity guide us through all aspects of our lives and a nonjudgmental attitude clears the way for understanding and empathy, and the Wilderness? Despite the trepidation of living there, becomes the safest place to be.

Everyone’s perspective of stuff can be different towards the same experience. Never assume anything. Your perspective is yours. It might align with other people’s—friends, family etc.—but it might not.

Do we turn our backs to the world because of what it has become….what has it become? A place for everybody? Or a place where debauchery seems to be running rampant, infiltrating people’s lives in the name of the government? The enemy…look at what we started! Rebellion is happening but not the way we thought it would. People are pushing and others are pushing back. They’ve got the general population against each other! That’s what they want…

Where am I on all of this? What’s right and what’s wrong? How can I possibly judge? Do I have to pick a side? Is this the wilderness? No certainty, no judgment, pure acceptance but I’m not! I’m … yeah, I am. Cuz I don’t know what’s right. What if neither one is? Could be. Is there another way? Both profess love, don’t they? Yes, they do. One, the love of God—with limitations. The other, just love for everyone. But, a place where anything goes? Is that right? Who draws the line? Who is wise enough to do such a thing? A human? NEVER! Maybe a relationship with nature–where we came from and where we are returned to. If we have that relationship with nature, are there still rules? Laws? There ARE laws of nature…it’s more scientific than anything. It can be explained scientifically, or can it? We can explain most of it once it’s happened. We can explain human behaviour for survival. What about the scientific nature of humanity? Stuck on that one…lol. There is no scientific explanation for LOVE! 

And here I go…what is love? Are there degrees of love? And which is greater? The love we have for our children or the love we have for our mate? Are these different types of love? So, when someone says, “love you”, what type of love is that? Or does that depend on who they are? And how do you judge that? I’m not going to say, “I love you’”, cuz I don’t know what it is!!??!? I don’t know what it means to you…what if it’s not the same as what it means to me? Then, we get stuck on definitions, degrees and perceptions…once again.

With all these ‘perceptions’ running rampant, is it any wonder that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket? People’s truths are out there smashing against each other. We are quick to judge these and respond according to our own truth. But, what if we’re wrong? All the criticism, all the hate, all the ignorance of what we don’t know…combine to create the catastrophe of fear and we respond…without all the facts…and we judge…based on our knowledge, our own reality. But, and I ask again, who are WE to set judgment on another? Without knowing their truth, how do we do that?

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I’m getting there…the honesty is beginning to spew out into my life. Today, I ask, “is there anyone who really does something selflessly?” And if they do, how is it affecting their minds and souls? Are they resentful? If they are, then it’s not really who they are but who they wish they were. If we look deep inside ourselves, are we ever really acting selflessly or are we acting, in the long run, for ourselves?

If we act out of guilt or to prevent ourselves from suffering, are we REALLY looking out for others? Is there something in it for us? Even if we feel happy about helping other people, we are acting selfishly because it makes us feel good! I know when I scrutinize my actions and delve deeper into “what am I getting out of this?” that there is a selfish desire my actions are fulfilling. Even, and this will likely BOTHER people, but even if we gave our life for our kids, is there not a selfish component to that? Something along the lines, of “I couldn’t live without them”? BUT, they, now, have to live without you and not just that, but the idea that they are the reason you are dead. What a guilt trip that is!

So, if we ARE acting on our own behalf most, if not all, of the time, how do we reconcile this into being a KIND HUMAN–if that is what we aspire to be? What, even, makes up a kind human? Possibly, this is different for all of us, so I will speak to my own definition…courageous (takes risks when interacting with others), honest (almost to a fault, but not quite), willing (listens to and acts upon constructive criticism), trustworthy (their word is honour), thoughtful (reflects on what they are saying/doing), considerate (takes other people’s feelings into consideration and behaves/speaks accordingly)…all in all, a tall order!

Having said all that, remember, this is what we ASPIRE to be. We ARE human. We can’t be all of this all of the time…we work TOWARDS these objectives. We are NOT going to achieve this state of being, I don’t think, but we can hold these traits close to our heart and act accordingly. Remember, also, that YOUR friends/family can not harness this way of being to its full capacity either. THEY are human! Humanity comes with shortcomings in every area of our lives. WE will not be perfect, and neither will those you encounter. 

Give yourself, and OTHERS a break! Kind people wander this earth to their own degree. How we react to them, is based on our own ability to be kind. Only ‘I’ can control my own responses and only YOU can control yours. We are selfish beings–most of the time–so we need to recognize and OWN this. We also need to do our best to recognize and respond to those we interact with in a way that strives towards considerate honesty, courage, willingness, trustworthiness and thoughtfulness.

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It’s really difficult to process life in general, and once you’re this far into the wilderness, it gets even worse. Joyous words for certain. Should life be difficult to navigate? Or should things run smoothly and in control? As much as that would be nice, it is not the way life goes when experiencing reality. It throws curve balls and tries to drown us in inadequacies and short-comings. Scarcity runs rampant and our beliefs of never being good enough, smart enough or diligent enough, run rampant. And even though we’re always fighting these feelings, we seldom win unless we take stock of our insecurities and face them head on. Those things we want to hide from others? We can take them and broadcast them. Make them visible. Rely on them to keep us honest in our pursuit of happiness. It doesn’t make us weaker or less valuable; it makes us stronger and more aware. Who doesn’t want that? Facing the fear of inadequacy stabilizes us and gives us permission to accept differences in perception. Relying on and celebrating these short-comings actually motivates us to become better participants in our own lives. 

Do we strive for perfection? Some of us, yes, but achieving that is beyond our capabilities and as much as we don’t want to admit that, it is true. Having said that, we can say we believe it, and still strive for the best out of ourselves. Take note, that our best isn’t perfect, but it needs to be good enough because that’s as far as we can reach. We have limitations. Yes, we do! And these turn into boundaries. Boundaries with ourselves and with others. Boundaries are based on our limitations. There needs to be a point where we say, “enough!”. I’m not doing this anymore and nobody’s going to take me beyond this. It’s not healthy for me or for others interacting with me. Boundaries enforce reality checks and everybody needs them. 

So, why is it so difficult for some of us to form boundaries? I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s more about pleasing everyone. And even when I say I’m not doing that (pleasing everyone), I am. Or, at least, I’m trying. Yes, even when I don’t want to do that, I still try. Why? I ask myself. Right here, right now…why? Is it the fear, maybe, of upsetting people? I guess, for me, that is true. Because upsetting people is taboo? Yes, it’s mean and even scary, sometimes, to upset people. Fear of losing that person as a friend and possibly hurting their feelings can be awkward for sure, but what about our feelings? Don’t they count? If we hurt ourselves while protecting others, is that healthy? Or even necessary? Our own feelings don’t count? The wear and tear on our own energy, while trying to please others, just doesn’t seem as important as the stress we think we might put upon others. 

Personally, I think–although, I don’t always practice this–setting boundaries is good for everyone. It’s just about taking that leap into that unknown realm. Being knee deep in the wilderness is about courage and commitment to ourselves and others. It’s about honesty and integrity. Two facets of life that, at least for me, are extremely important. To be honest about our limitations in any area of our lives, while difficult, is still necessary for everyone’s sanity. How can our own experience mean less than someone else’s? It can’t. Because it is ours and our personal journey is just as important as anyone else’s. But, really, if we’re being honest, our own journeys are what we should be focusing on. How do we navigate life with honesty and integrity and not set boundaries? I don’t think it is possible. But, let’s just stew over that for a while. 

Know your limits and adjust your expectations of both yourself and others. I am speaking to myself here, also! Think carefully about what you are doing and ask: How is this affecting me? Am I feeling resentful? Stuck? At a loss? Because if we’re feeling these things, boundaries need to be set–for everyone involved. Try not to walk on eggshells…try to be true to yourself; everything else, I believe, will fall in place.

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My own psyche hurts sometimes. Where do I go from here? Where have I already been? Is this safe? Will it be ridiculed? What will others think? All blockages to creativity and authenticity. Two attitudes that mean more to me than anything. But, what is authenticity and how is creativity defined? It’s here that I falter, for who am I to make a judgment over these states of being? And still, I yearn for them. I don’t want to care what other people will think, but I do. I don’t want to be stuck and at a loss for words, and yet, I am. I want to breathe deep and exhale my truth, my story without the ‘hangers on’ behind, beside or in front of me. To dip my toes into my own reality and face it without the worry of failing others.

Step 1,2,3 and 4? “JUST DO IT”. Three simple words that throw a solid punch–if you listen to them. So, here I go, into the depths of my inner world where there are many characters, some of whom I don’t even know yet. They speak of good and bad, failure and success, loss and gain and all the other dichotomies of the world we live and die in. I’ll make the argument that we all experience these opposite states during the process of life and death. 

I want to draw your attention towards ‘authenticity’ and ‘deception’. First of all, are they even dichotomies? Authenticity is defined as being genuine, legitimate and having ‘undisputed’ credibility. Think of that word–undisputed–and its meaning. It isn’t questioned, cannot be denied and can’t be challenged. That’s a pretty pure state of being; one, I would question achieving in a single lifetime. Deception is defined as misrepresentation, deceit or a misleading falsehood. So, can an individual be authentic and deceptive at the same time? If one is a deceptive and deceitful person who displays misleading falsehoods, is he/she being authentic? I would admit that, for me, if someone is an undisputed liar, I don’t want to associate with them. I’m just not ‘sure’ if that deception is being authentic?

Authenticity, for me, comes from deep inside. From a place that has been explored, tried, disputed and explored again. If I were to become completely authentic, if I gave a voice to all the characters in my head, you would no-doubtably be overwhelmed, not to mention, confused and maybe even worried–about my state of mind. You would like me some of the time, but not all of the time. And, you know what? That should be okay! If we are to be liked ‘all of the time’ then I don’t believe we are being ‘real’. In fact, pleasing others becomes our life and we never do anything for ourselves–which is no way to live; at least, I don’t think it is. Of course, we can please others at times, when it is healthy for us to do that, but if we do it all the time, we will find ourselves resentful, overwhelmed and, potentially, ill.

The real question we have to put to ourselves isn’t how much people respect our ability to always please others, but how honest a human we are. Honesty is healthier, keeps you happy, and can free you up to help others when you really want to. Yes, sometimes, we do things we don’t want to do to help others out, but I don’t think it should be a constant habit that takes us to a place of grudges and ill feelings and it just can’t hamper our own happiness, joy and pleasures; we don’t have the time and energy it takes to be people pleasers; it can destroy both our friendships with others and the relationship we have with ourselves. 

Authenticity requires us to know our truth, define it and live by it. Boundaries need to be placed, but not lightly. Thought goes into making the decisions relating to what life throws at us; that same reasoning needs to go into the relationships we have and how we behave when in them. Honestly and respectfully? Or begrudgingly and resentfully? I believe having a strong and sturdy mind is as important as a healthy body. We have to take care of that; we have to know ourselves and our own limits and respect them. Only we can live the life we desire; only we can change and grow ourselves. It can sometimes be a constant struggle but we can only guarantee our own actions and responses; we need to step up and be seen–as we truly believe ourselves to be.

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It’s 4:00 am and I’m sitting in a dive motel. Although, the room seems clean enough and the bed is comfortable to watch t.v. in–at least it has a goggle box! Understanding that will reveal your age or lack thereof. Back to the Motel…it’s on Airport Road in Toronto–or Mississauga, if you want to get technical–and I had to make a U-turn through three lanes of traffic to get to the immediate entrance which I missed my first time around because the sign for it is on one of those mini-mall light-up posts. I kid you not, it’s in a mini mall. The hotel entrance is shared with three other businesses–all rental car agencies–and there is one line-up for all four. I feel like I’m in a northern hick town. Albeit has a Subway restaurant  right next door!

What a shit show! At the airport now, sitting at my gate. Two hours before we board. Glad to see that Hotel experience in the rear view mirror. Of course, I have to get back there to pick up my Jeep when I get home, but will worry about that when the time comes. Security and Customs were a breeze! Then again, I only had cigarettes to declare and they didn’t check. There are a few other people here already as well and more slowly descend. Do you know where I’m going? Flying into Tampa where good friends will meet me and then a 1 hr drive to Mulberry in Polk County–where the sherriff is top notch, apparently. Hopefully, I don’t have to find out!

So, the title of this Blog? Situational Nightmares. Made that up, by the way; at least, I think I did! Apart from the Hotel being a nasty experience, I had travel nightmares: I didn’t hear my alarm go off so I woke up late. Then I had all this stuff with me that had to go back into my Jeep before I could leave. There were a bunch of people helping me get organized but the time was drifting away and my belongings just kept piling up. Couldn’t figure out how I had accumulated so much and why I would bring it up to my room with me. Then my Jeep got wrecked and we couldn’t fit anymore into it. The front was at the back and the back was at the front. Couldn’t get the rear gate shut. Yet, more and more stuff needed to go in. Eventually, I gave up and told my friends to finish up as I was going to the airport. Then, of course, the Shuttle took forever to come. I was going to be late for my flight. Suddenly, I woke up. It was 3 a.m. and this Blog begins shortly after.

So, here I am, on the plane. One hour in. We left a half hour late so will see if we make up any time. Supposed to land at 1:03 pm.. It has been an uneventful ride so far. I am grateful that the only open seat on the plane is beside me. Got lucky, I guess. Elbow room. Watched as we flew over what I think was lake Erie, but could have been Ontario. We were West of Virginia when I last checked. Looks as if we’re directly over Charlotte right this moment…says about an hour to go, but that can’t be right as we just left an hour ago and flight is nearly 3 hours. I guess we will see. I so love flying–especially taking off. Like landing as well, but taking off gives me an amazing feeling inside. Can’t control the tummy flutters. Makes the whole trip worthwhile. Didn’t have any situational nightmares about the flight, just making it to the flight.

We arrived at 1:03 on the dot and I’ve been here for 5 days now. I’ve seen alligators, geckos and a dozen different types of birds. Went to Winterhaven and danced up a storm. Hopefully looking for my own place on Tuesday–not to stay this year—for future years. Absolutely love it here and we’re only an hour from Tampa and the beach. Actually going to John’s Pass on Wednesday. But before we do that, we’re moving to my friends’ new place. The days are filled with sun, fun and shenanigans! It’s an active 55+ community with shuffleboard, bocce, golf and a dozen other things to do. Amazing people and having the time of my life!

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No one is immune from pain, neither physical nor emotional, but we often try to protect ourselves from the suffering it puts upon us–especially our emotional pain. We might hide it, dismiss it, numb it, let it build or even fear its power over us. All these conditions lay the groundwork for dismissing a real experience. We cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge and entertaining its absence will only increase our experience of it. In other words, trying to ignore our pain only gives it more power over us. So, how do we use this knowledge to help us encounter our pain?

Let’s take a look at the scenarios that interfere with our experience of emotional pain: when we try to hide and/or dismiss the hurt feelings inside us, we often actually intensify its presence. In fact, it can send us right off the deep end by infiltrating into good relationships where we proceed to bury it again. The real problem is that it never really goes away. It sits and festers, affecting new and old connections with those we value most. Sometimes it shows its face in a lack of trust with people; other times it could actually terrorize the love we feel for others. There are a multitude of ways it can destroy our lives if we allow it to; and we are allowing it when we don’t face it.

Another way in which we try to protect ourselves from emotional pain, is to numb it. This occurs when we turn to alcohol, drugs or food to try and distance ourselves from the intensity of our emotions. We mistakenly think that these forms of self-harm will save us from the lethargy, depression and indifference we experience when faced with raw despair. But what actually happens is that we set up a temporary relief station that, with time, only embellishes the heartache, actually making it worse in the long run. It doesn’t go away; it stagnates inside of us causing all sorts of physical and emotional suffering.

If, by chance or by design, we are given permission to feel our pain, we actually have better odds of surviving it. This is sometimes called “sitting with the emotion”. It becomes a thoughtful act of focusing on the pain on purpose, mindfully. It is giving yourself permission to feel. But why do we stifle our emotions in the first place? Why do we need our own approval or the acknowledgment from others to be able to feel? I mean, the one thing all humans have in common is their passion, their affectivity, their fervor for life. Even joy is illusive because with joy comes sorrow. With the light also comes the darkness. There’s really no escaping it and yet we try. Why are we, as a human species, so afraid of the emotional experience? Is it just our fear of what encountering the pain will be like? It would seem to be so. And yet, how can we honestly face our reality without facing both the despair and the joyfulness of our stories? I don’t think we can. What if this is the reason there is so much suffering by disease and illness? Think about this: is learning to tolerate our emotional distress the cure to our physical ailments?

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