Life's Lessons and Mental Health

Should I or should I not? Apologize…? I am a person who usually apologizes. I also, however, do it way too often. Do I even mean it? I started to think about this as I opened my mouth…sometimes yes and sometimes no. Then my mind begins to wander…what do others do? Well, it seems some people are just like me and apologize way too often and without even thinking and then others don’t apologize at all…both these types of behaviours are…well…annoying! Where’s the happy medium? I think apologies are something people need to give and receive and that, maybe, this is a skill we can develop.

When do I need to apologize? My thoughts? When I’ve done something that hurts someone, I need to apologize for causing them distress, but the degree of that distress is completely up to the person and their response and I can’t be responsible or accountable for that. That is their shit! I will apologize for doing something wrong—even if I didn’t mean to—it still warrants an apology, in my mind. I apologize and move on, hopefully learning from my mistake and trying not to do it again but there really is no guarantee; I am human, after all.

Do I mean it? That is quite a powerful question, actually. Sometimes I just say it cuz it comes out of my mouth and I’m used to saying sorry for everything! But if I really think about what I’m saying sorry for? Yes, I will mean it or I won’t say it…and that’s where I control myself…I ask myself the question, “Does this warrant an apology?” Apologizing when you have really done something wrong is a necessary part of the human experience…you need to apologize the same way you would expect an apology. Being honest with yourself and others is something we all need to strive towards. If you’re not sure? Ask!

How often do I need to apologize? Once! But make it so the person hears and acknowledges your personal apology. Don’t make excuses with your apology, just say sorry for what you have done and move on. If you do the same thing again? Maybe you need to look at why you’re making those decisions or responding the way you do…really think about it…why do I keep repeating this type of behaviour? 

What do you do? Do you apologize frequently or not at all? How do we develop the ‘apology skill’? Be clear about what you might have done wrong…state this when making the apology…apologize once…and think about how you’re going to prevent it from happening again. Apologies do not make you any less of a person; they allow you to accept your humanity, acknowledge your wrongdoing and make amends. Accountability is a crucial component to delivering an acceptable apology and we will discuss that in a future blog. For now, just recognizing when and where we apologize is enough for us to change our behaviour if we need to. 

Do you ever apologize? Do you expect apologies from others? What for? Do you offer apologies for the same reasons you expect them? Thinking about these questions can help us decide if an apology is necessary or not. If it is? Deliver one! It is not going to kill you…

Humanity. What does it mean to you? Who are we as humans? This is the one thing we all have in common and yet, I believe, we often strip each other of that right…yes, the right to be human. We often expect perfection of ourselves and we unwittingly expect it of others also. Are we perfect? Should we strive to be something we can never achieve? Should we demand that others be what they can never be as well? It’s a little outrageous, don’t you think? It might be alright to shoot for our best, but even our best isn’t perfect.

We demand it though, in our relationships, “they should know how I feel”… even though we haven’t said anything about how we feel…we expect others to read our minds. Or things get exaggerated from repeated conversations (gossip) and we hear something that really isn’t true but take it to heart, and we are hurt. We don’t even bother to check things out with our fellow-human, because, “they SHOULD know better” and “I’m not going to be treated that way” in reaction to something that isn’t even real but an elaborated version of truth. 

Jumping to conclusions and not “checking things out” when we have questions about how we’ve been treated, become our initial responses and we move forward in response to a fictitious sentiment. I believe this shortens our willingness to try and understand. Is it too painful? I counter with it being really painful not to check things out, not to try and understand. These things can be clarified with questions but we’re too stubborn to ask. Or maybe people just aren’t listening. If people aren’t listening, that’s something else…

Listening seems to have become a forgotten trait. Now, we just assume and move on, usually with our own opinions and states, not managing to hear what others have to say…is what we say more important than what others have to say? Are we afraid of what others will tell us? In some cases, I guess this is true but is that because we’re afraid of looking at ourselves, at our own shortcomings? Our own inadequacies? Because facing them is too shameful or painful? I have so many screwed up versions of myself that I’m overwhelmed sometimes…that is my humanity…and I need to be aware of them so I can try and fix them. If we keep going on pretending we don’t have any, we become the narcissist. The very person we despise…we are. You are NOT perfect and pretending to be only causes you, and others, stress. Recognizing this is paramount to change and change is something we, as humans, need to experience if we are to grow. Of course, there is always the option to stay stagnant, to never change our ways, to grow in limited areas of our life and to an extent that rarely challenges us. 

I am 61, approaching 62, and I still have reasons to change. My number one reason is that I want to be genuinely happy. I’ve had a taste of what that’s like. A taste that many may never know. I am grateful. I want more of that and it begins with honesty and integrity. It starts with understanding ourselves and others, as humans, as individuals with shortcomings and inadequacies. All of which separates us from each other but also brings us together. Celebrating these pieces of ourselves, taking the time to negotiate the practice of understanding ourselves and others, leads us to develop a sense of our own limitations and the limitations of others. Our humanity, the one thing we all have in common, comes to light and when we admit those limitations, we allow ourselves and others to share in the gifts of imperfection.

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What does it take to write a blog and keep it up? Ideas and an audience…if you’re missing one of these, it just doesn’t happen! Let’s start with ideas…easy at first, but then they wane…and not only the ability to create ideas but also the sense of making them interesting…will people get inspired? Is there too much information? Not enough? All these things one has to navigate in order to PLEASE the audience…get them to read… all of it. Easy right? Not quite…because where is the audience? It’s out there…in cyber land…which makes it somewhat easier to write but less easy to maintain that stream of writing.

The audience is perceived to be real, but that audience is negotiated by a lot of things…people’s time and interest, for instance…and feedback, although not non-existent, is few and far between and one must work diligently for what now seems like nothing. Just giving you a behind the scenes peek at what I’m going through with the writing of a blog…interaction is important! I know it’s difficult to talk about a lot of the things I present in my blogs, but it is important for me to get feedback…and I DO get some…don’t get me wrong…and I really appreciate what I DO get; it’s just difficult to keep it going…just letting you guys know… 

So, struggling a bit right now to keep all my ducks in a row…I did a med change and I’m feeling the effects…went golfing for the first time in nearly 2 months yesterday…far cry from being out every day when I was in Florida…a lot is different than the six months I spent dwelling in a 55+ community for the winter.

What’s changed? What’s stayed the same? My environment has obviously changed, but so have I. People are becoming obstacles that I need to overcome instead of the insightful, pleasant, gurus they once were to me. I used to be energized by them. Now, I become depleted…and I think of boundaries…have mine become too loose? I feel pushed and pulled in different directions. I’m allowing that…that’s what we do…we allow things to happen to us instead of taking control and making things happen for ourselves. “Ew, people” is now my favourite t-shirt. I didn’t used to be able to wear it because I loved people and what they brought into my life. Now, for instance, I see a lot of phones in people’s hands…in fact, likely the best way to know if you’re being listened to these days is to text someone! I’m serious! It’s really sad but becoming a hard core problem in my eyes. Texting is actually a better form of communication if you want to make sure you’re being heard! So, I prefer to text. Lol…and I become part of the problem! Scary world we live in, isn’t it? Losing the sacredness of hardcore friendships to words on a page–so we know we’re being listened to–sad, very sad.

I’m kinda done with it all. People and bullshit. And everyone does it. You are not lost to the baggage you haul around with you, I don’t care what you say. You have it. And you unknowingly share it with others, in your relationships…usually your closest ones…cuz where else is it going to come out? Maybe that’s why we’re always on our phones—even sitting around a campfire—we all want to be heard. We communicate using electronic devices instead of face to face! We get our needs met through technology instead of through each other! We’re losing our humanity…really…we are! And I guess that explains why I’m frustrated with people right now—we’re being uncommunicative on a human level…on our phones instead of enjoying the fire…I’m guilty of this also; I mean, right now my sister is sitting beside me—on her phone—and I’m doing this on mine… 

So, as I navigate my own slippery slope, I travel alongside you…not in front and not behind…mearly beside. May we share together and raise each other up to our own standards…infiltrating the humanity of us all. Here’s to the production and sharing of future ideas and experiences. Back to basics. Let’s ride the waves with support for each other…I’m here…you’re there…we can do this together!

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Understanding Multiplicity: the property of being multiple; a large number or wide range (of something) (Cambridge Dictionary) 

The Parts: younger versions of ourselves that still exist and play a role in our lives by acting on our behalf

The Self: Confidence, Calmness, Creativity, Clarity, Curiosity, Courage, Compassion Connectedness, Presence, Patience, Perspective, Persistence, Playfulness

In IFS: multiplicity of parts of ourselves; exiles, protectors, managers; the working together of the Self and our Parts to manifest the life we have now; changing the roles of our parts can change how we respond in our world.

The concept is that if we can act of ourSelves instead of from our parts, we can become who we truly are. Parts are entities that act on our behalf, trying to protect and manage us so we don’t experience emotional pain. They are not evil or bad; they are trying to help us in some way or form that doesn’t really serve us well in our everyday lives. By sorting through the parts that act out, getting curious about why they exist and what they are trying to accomplish in our inner systems, we can actually help them grow from the confused and often stuck state they are in to a state of calm and connectedness that allows us to act more from ourSelves, our core Self.

The process of becoming ourSelves, our true Self, allows us to actually love ourselves deeply. Love is a side effect of the process. What an amazing side effect! How many other side effects come with such grandeur? It makes sense, then, doesn’t it, that we would truly want to go through this process, especially if we have a hard time loving ourselves in the first place. To truly love yourself, you need to sort through your parts, find them as separate entities, embrace and direct love towards them and act from yourSelf.

To recognize the difference between parts and the Self, the Self is ALWAYS compassionate, curious, calm, connected, clear, creative, courageous and connected;  it is also playful, persistent, present, patient and perspective driven. If we are acting from some other form besides these, we are acting through our parts, not ourSelves. OurSelves are who we truly are without the interference of our parts. I believe, then, that it is our true Selves we find in each other. We grow to love the Self in others; we connect to others through ourSelves. It is the common link between us and we gravitate towards the true Selves of others. We likely are drawn to those who act more of themSelves than their parts, then. A person who acts from the Self is more attractive to us than the person who acts from their parts because it is their core Self that is showing up. What, on earth, is more attractive than someone who acts from who they truly are?

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I have multiple parts. These parts engage with mySelf and others as I proceed through my days. What do I mean? Well, for example, I have a 2 yr old part who feels abandoned, guilty and lost in a world without connection. This was her experience when she was 2. She got stuck there and showed up in my life whenever I lost someone. I lost my Grandmother when I was 2. I had developed a strong connection with her and suddenly she was gone. Part of me got stuck there and it has interfered with my life ever since–until I welcomed her (the two yr old) back into my life. All her little feelings that escalated into big feelings, I welcomed with compassion and curiosity. I gave her what she needed myself. This process brings us back to ourselves–who we truly are. You see, I believe, this multiplicity is in all of us. We all have parts that have broken away from ourselves due to some circumstance, act or perceived altercation in our lives–often, these are our very young selves. 

This 2 yr old part has shown up whenever I have felt abandoned by others–yes, I felt like a 2 year old and, for the most part, acted like a 2 year old, even though I was older. Imagine, a 2 yr old showing up when you’re 28 and have just broken up with the love of your life. Possibly, you experience the temper of a 2 yr old; you experience rejection as if you were 2, instead of 28! This, then, activates parts that want to protect you from the pain–you set up walls and don’t let anyone in. Or it activates parts that want to manage the pain–you people please in order to minimize the amount of abandonment you experience. All these are just examples of how our multiplicity functions in our lives.

I gave my 2 yr old the love and compassion she needed when she was 2. I held her, whispered in her ear how much I loved her and told her she was enough…I cared for her and she responded–like any 2 yr old would–to my acts of love. I healed her; mySelf healed her. How did I manage to do this? It definitely takes a bit of imagination or faith, I suppose, to believe that this can be done, but the proof is in my ability to accept and believe in mySelf, as I am, right now, 61 years old, not 2 yrs old. Surrendering to my 2 year old, hearing her out, satisfying her 2 year old needs, myself, allows her to settle down and not show up as a 2 yr old when I am faced with the possibility of abandonment again. I will respond as a 61 yr old who knows she is enough, knows she is loved and lives accordingly. 

Different parts show up in our lives all the time. Think of that time you, or someone close to you, acted like a little child in response to a stressor…temper tantrum? Crying uncontrollably? Lashing out anger? Showing no concern for another’s feelings? These are parts coming out. Young parts whose needs have not been met. They need love, attention and compassion. Get curious about what they need; don’t judge them. Their needs are real and they will continue to act out until we meet those needs for them. We do it, ourselves. Don’t wait for someone else; they will never come. Do it yourself. This is Internal Family Systems Therapy. Read about it. Question it. Try it out. You deserve this!

It is a wise human that recognizes truth comes in many forms and perspectives. It is a dull one who experiences their own truth as the only way.

Judgment, lies, hate. I like people who allow others to make mistakes. I like people who can admit that they are wrong. I also like people who passionately speak their truth. I’m drawn to this type of human being so this is who I aspire to be. I believe judgment is best left to the Universe because, as humans, I don’t believe we have the capacity nor the right to FORCE our beliefs on others. My aspiration, my truth. It just makes sense to me that if I want people to allow me my truth then I have to allow them theirs.

So, why do I believe this and where do I draw my own line on others? I think that history proves passing judgment on others is where conflict begins. War, fear, hate and superiority have no place in my life except to prove to me that these ‘aspirations’ cause unrest between individuals and groups. If it is your intent to pass judgment on others, then it had better be because others are passing judgment on you. Even that line should not be crossed lightly, because where does it end? It just keeps piling up—line after line is crossed. Back and forth–first one bomb and then another in retaliation. 

Over the last while, I’ve been examining love and how it relates to my life. I’ve come to understand that there are degrees of love. The way we love our partners is different to the way we love our children and the way we love our acquaintances is different from the way we love our closer friends and family. Some people believe we can both hate and love someone at the same time. I believe we might dislike their actions and form boundaries for ourselves around those and I believe real love always includes boundaries. They become a mainstay of practicing love. Without boundaries, love becomes about us instead of about others. We need to be loved ourselves so we forgo boundaries in order to maintain that perceived love. It meets our needs rather than other people’s. Boundaries actually help others learn to set their own. Love needs to be about others not ourselves. It isn’t about being loved back–that would not be real. If we ask ourselves ‘am I doing this because I am afraid of losing someone?’, it is about us, not them. Modeling the use of boundaries for our loved ones, gives them the freedom to set their own, which, I believe, is a necessary part of offering love to others.

I honestly don’t think I’m ready to live in the wilderness full time. I don’t think I’ve found enough like-minded people to feel safe. Maybe being in the wilderness, for me, right now, is about listening. Reading and writing instead of speaking. I suppose I am acting out of fear to take this stance; I’m afraid of REALLY being alone. That is what I need to focus on right now–the fear of standing alone because that, really, is what the wilderness is all about. Being brave enough to speak my truth regardless of the support I get for it. It disappoints me to think this way. I truly believe that the wilderness is a sacred place and the courage it takes to live and breathe in it is a lofty endeavour. Who knows, possibly the steps I’ve taken up until this point in my life have actually prepared me for standing alone. Maybe my wilderness is just a small leap instead of a giant one. Future actions and BLOGS might take me there regardless of my fear. My thoughts are there already; my actions just need to follow. 

The Wilderness is not for the faint of heart. When I allow my actions to be dictated by the reactions of others, I am not ‘braving the wilderness’; I am pleasing others. This is, right now, what I need to remove myself from. To be truly free, I need to walk away from the control I allow others to have over me. I need to remove myself from judgment, criticism and supremacy over both myself and others. This is MY wilderness. I need to embrace it with my whole heart and live within it. I don’t believe for an instant that this is an overnight endeavour; it is drawn-out over time; it is momentary; but, it is inevitable–at least for me. Non-judgment, truth, love.

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They whispered to her, “You can’t withstand the storm”. She whispered back, “I am the storm”. Jake Remmington

Being neck deep in the wilderness isn’t about drowning–not yet–but it is pretty damn close to living on the edge. I’m not talking about physical danger; I’m talking about emotional reckoning. A physiological response, we need to get curious about. The first story you tell yourself, reveals everything you need to explore. Focus on the story you’re telling yourself about the situation. This is the answer to better communication and understanding of yourself and others. When we can reveal our stories to each other in an honest and gentle way, we open the lines of communication between us.

When listening to each other, find out what a person’s intent is in relation to their words and actions–we need to know this to make good decisions about how we’re going to react to them. Guessing only reflects our own ignorance. We can’t really know another person’s intent or story without asking curiously about it. It’s important to remain curious and not judgmental. It’s like an investigation into each other’s honest thoughts, fears and desires.

Revealing your story and intentions brings you into the wilderness because you are in a vulnerable position, but this vulnerability is what makes you you! If we are honest, curious and non-judgmental, I don’t think we stand alone in the wilderness for long before others are there with us. The vulnerability we feel while being authentic actually sets us free. It brings our deepest desires and conflicts into the open where we can sort through the story we are telling ourselves and explore it curiously.

I want to share my story and I’m sure I will do that over the winter months. I want to be open and honest and live my life fearlessly. That is freedom. It doesn’t mean I don’t listen. In actual fact, it means I can listen more intently and curiously without the fear of your story overwhelming me. I believe that in sharing my stories, I can help others share there’s. If I am vulnerable I can curiously explore your vulnerability also without the fear of criticism that keeps us silent in the first place.

Will I care what people think? I will care what SOME people think because I respect their opinion and it will keep me honest. But I can’t care what everyone thinks, no, because not everyone is going to be open and honest with me. I will, though, have a responsibility to understand people who are suffering from a “Disease to Please” as it is a difficult predicament to be in, no matter which end you are on–-the receiving or the giving. Taking that risk of honesty puts me in the driver’s seat of my own story and gives me the capacity to listen openly and freely to YOURS. 

In this way, curiosity takes the place of vulnerability and shame. When we feel vulnerable and shamed, check out the facts and get curious as to what is going on inside you and others. Ask questions for clarity–of ourselves and others–and help solve the adversity between us and within us. Compassion draws us closer to each other and ourselves as we navigate the deepness of our truth and wisdom.

In conclusion, the Wilderness is our vulnerable selves out in the world. Those parts we hide because of our fear of criticism? We send them out into the universe and converse about them because remaining silent is what causes our humanity to disappear. Our imperfections and inadequacies come into the light and we have the brave opportunity to change our reactions and judgment of ourselves and others. The wilderness, although frightening, is where we discover the freedom to be who we really are in an ever-changing world. We can begin to adjust our reactions in the light of our own self-actualization. Compassion and curiosity guide us through all aspects of our lives and a nonjudgmental attitude clears the way for understanding and empathy, and the Wilderness? Despite the trepidation of living there, becomes the safest place to be.

Everyone’s perspective of stuff can be different towards the same experience. Never assume anything. Your perspective is yours. It might align with other people’s—friends, family etc.—but it might not.

Do we turn our backs to the world because of what it has become….what has it become? A place for everybody? Or a place where debauchery seems to be running rampant, infiltrating people’s lives in the name of the government? The enemy…look at what we started! Rebellion is happening but not the way we thought it would. People are pushing and others are pushing back. They’ve got the general population against each other! That’s what they want…

Where am I on all of this? What’s right and what’s wrong? How can I possibly judge? Do I have to pick a side? Is this the wilderness? No certainty, no judgment, pure acceptance but I’m not! I’m … yeah, I am. Cuz I don’t know what’s right. What if neither one is? Could be. Is there another way? Both profess love, don’t they? Yes, they do. One, the love of God—with limitations. The other, just love for everyone. But, a place where anything goes? Is that right? Who draws the line? Who is wise enough to do such a thing? A human? NEVER! Maybe a relationship with nature–where we came from and where we are returned to. If we have that relationship with nature, are there still rules? Laws? There ARE laws of nature…it’s more scientific than anything. It can be explained scientifically, or can it? We can explain most of it once it’s happened. We can explain human behaviour for survival. What about the scientific nature of humanity? Stuck on that one…lol. There is no scientific explanation for LOVE! 

And here I go…what is love? Are there degrees of love? And which is greater? The love we have for our children or the love we have for our mate? Are these different types of love? So, when someone says, “love you”, what type of love is that? Or does that depend on who they are? And how do you judge that? I’m not going to say, “I love you’”, cuz I don’t know what it is!!??!? I don’t know what it means to you…what if it’s not the same as what it means to me? Then, we get stuck on definitions, degrees and perceptions…once again.

With all these ‘perceptions’ running rampant, is it any wonder that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket? People’s truths are out there smashing against each other. We are quick to judge these and respond according to our own truth. But, what if we’re wrong? All the criticism, all the hate, all the ignorance of what we don’t know…combine to create the catastrophe of fear and we respond…without all the facts…and we judge…based on our knowledge, our own reality. But, and I ask again, who are WE to set judgment on another? Without knowing their truth, how do we do that?

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I’m getting there…the honesty is beginning to spew out into my life. Today, I ask, “is there anyone who really does something selflessly?” And if they do, how is it affecting their minds and souls? Are they resentful? If they are, then it’s not really who they are but who they wish they were. If we look deep inside ourselves, are we ever really acting selflessly or are we acting, in the long run, for ourselves?

If we act out of guilt or to prevent ourselves from suffering, are we REALLY looking out for others? Is there something in it for us? Even if we feel happy about helping other people, we are acting selfishly because it makes us feel good! I know when I scrutinize my actions and delve deeper into “what am I getting out of this?” that there is a selfish desire my actions are fulfilling. Even, and this will likely BOTHER people, but even if we gave our life for our kids, is there not a selfish component to that? Something along the lines, of “I couldn’t live without them”? BUT, they, now, have to live without you and not just that, but the idea that they are the reason you are dead. What a guilt trip that is!

So, if we ARE acting on our own behalf most, if not all, of the time, how do we reconcile this into being a KIND HUMAN–if that is what we aspire to be? What, even, makes up a kind human? Possibly, this is different for all of us, so I will speak to my own definition…courageous (takes risks when interacting with others), honest (almost to a fault, but not quite), willing (listens to and acts upon constructive criticism), trustworthy (their word is honour), thoughtful (reflects on what they are saying/doing), considerate (takes other people’s feelings into consideration and behaves/speaks accordingly)…all in all, a tall order!

Having said all that, remember, this is what we ASPIRE to be. We ARE human. We can’t be all of this all of the time…we work TOWARDS these objectives. We are NOT going to achieve this state of being, I don’t think, but we can hold these traits close to our heart and act accordingly. Remember, also, that YOUR friends/family can not harness this way of being to its full capacity either. THEY are human! Humanity comes with shortcomings in every area of our lives. WE will not be perfect, and neither will those you encounter. 

Give yourself, and OTHERS a break! Kind people wander this earth to their own degree. How we react to them, is based on our own ability to be kind. Only ‘I’ can control my own responses and only YOU can control yours. We are selfish beings–most of the time–so we need to recognize and OWN this. We also need to do our best to recognize and respond to those we interact with in a way that strives towards considerate honesty, courage, willingness, trustworthiness and thoughtfulness.

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It’s really difficult to process life in general, and once you’re this far into the wilderness, it gets even worse. Joyous words for certain. Should life be difficult to navigate? Or should things run smoothly and in control? As much as that would be nice, it is not the way life goes when experiencing reality. It throws curve balls and tries to drown us in inadequacies and short-comings. Scarcity runs rampant and our beliefs of never being good enough, smart enough or diligent enough, run rampant. And even though we’re always fighting these feelings, we seldom win unless we take stock of our insecurities and face them head on. Those things we want to hide from others? We can take them and broadcast them. Make them visible. Rely on them to keep us honest in our pursuit of happiness. It doesn’t make us weaker or less valuable; it makes us stronger and more aware. Who doesn’t want that? Facing the fear of inadequacy stabilizes us and gives us permission to accept differences in perception. Relying on and celebrating these short-comings actually motivates us to become better participants in our own lives. 

Do we strive for perfection? Some of us, yes, but achieving that is beyond our capabilities and as much as we don’t want to admit that, it is true. Having said that, we can say we believe it, and still strive for the best out of ourselves. Take note, that our best isn’t perfect, but it needs to be good enough because that’s as far as we can reach. We have limitations. Yes, we do! And these turn into boundaries. Boundaries with ourselves and with others. Boundaries are based on our limitations. There needs to be a point where we say, “enough!”. I’m not doing this anymore and nobody’s going to take me beyond this. It’s not healthy for me or for others interacting with me. Boundaries enforce reality checks and everybody needs them. 

So, why is it so difficult for some of us to form boundaries? I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s more about pleasing everyone. And even when I say I’m not doing that (pleasing everyone), I am. Or, at least, I’m trying. Yes, even when I don’t want to do that, I still try. Why? I ask myself. Right here, right now…why? Is it the fear, maybe, of upsetting people? I guess, for me, that is true. Because upsetting people is taboo? Yes, it’s mean and even scary, sometimes, to upset people. Fear of losing that person as a friend and possibly hurting their feelings can be awkward for sure, but what about our feelings? Don’t they count? If we hurt ourselves while protecting others, is that healthy? Or even necessary? Our own feelings don’t count? The wear and tear on our own energy, while trying to please others, just doesn’t seem as important as the stress we think we might put upon others. 

Personally, I think–although, I don’t always practice this–setting boundaries is good for everyone. It’s just about taking that leap into that unknown realm. Being knee deep in the wilderness is about courage and commitment to ourselves and others. It’s about honesty and integrity. Two facets of life that, at least for me, are extremely important. To be honest about our limitations in any area of our lives, while difficult, is still necessary for everyone’s sanity. How can our own experience mean less than someone else’s? It can’t. Because it is ours and our personal journey is just as important as anyone else’s. But, really, if we’re being honest, our own journeys are what we should be focusing on. How do we navigate life with honesty and integrity and not set boundaries? I don’t think it is possible. But, let’s just stew over that for a while. 

Know your limits and adjust your expectations of both yourself and others. I am speaking to myself here, also! Think carefully about what you are doing and ask: How is this affecting me? Am I feeling resentful? Stuck? At a loss? Because if we’re feeling these things, boundaries need to be set–for everyone involved. Try not to walk on eggshells…try to be true to yourself; everything else, I believe, will fall in place.

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