I am trying to communicate something in these posts by speaking my truths. I believe my truth is important because it meshes with other’s truths when I get down and dirty and communicate one on one. Why doesn’t everyone communicate this way? Share ideas about important topics? Most importantly, why don’t we communicate our needs? Think about when you were young…how did you go about getting your needs met? As an infant, we only know how to scream and cry and others have to figure out what is wrong with us. We check diapers, feeding time, warmth, illness…what is wrong with our little one? How many of us continue this lack of clear communication into our adult years, “Others should know what I need. I shouldn’t have to tell them!” We can actually place the concept of love into our arguments…”if they can’t figure out what I need, they don’t really love me!” we scream. We continue our childlike communication skills long after we have learned to actually speak and listen. Why don’t we use what we’ve learned?
Do we truly believe that others can read our minds? No, but we do have an abundance of expectation that people close to us should be able to figure shit out. Look at us, we haven’t grown up at all–we still expect that our needs will be met through guesses. Is it any wonder that we aren’t satisfied, that we struggle to be happy? I’ll even go as far as to question, do WE know what we need? Is that why we suck at communication? Because we don’t know, ourselves, what we truly need? Why don’t we know? Because we don’t know ourselves? I’m not sure, but it’s an interesting concept, don’t you think? When we begin to experience our true selves, we also begin to learn about what we need? Once I figure out what makes me tick, I can share my needs with others. Is this a bad thing? Is it selfish to express our needs? I’d argue that it’s selfish to have the expectation that others guess correctly what our needs are, when we’re not even sure ourselves! And, if it’s not safe to express our needs–as maybe it wasn’t when we were young–then we are not in the right relationship. If we don’t try, though, to communicate with our loved ones, it is on us, not them. It is my problem. My hang-up. I have no one to blame but myself.
One really cool thing about it coming down to me? I have the power to change myself–something I can’t do to others. I can’t force others to communicate, but I can learn to communicate, myself. If I start, will others? What if, even if I don’t know what I need, I express this…”I don’t know what I need, but it’s not this!” Because we can usually express what we don’t need. And, what if, after I’ve communicated what I need or don’t need, that I ask the other person what they need? And listen, really listen! That might mean asking questions to clarify. Get curious. If getting curious about the other person causes distress, I guess we need to figure out if that relationship is worth our effort? And sometimes it really will be, because what we get from it is satisfying us for the most part, but if it’s not worth it? If we’re giving more than we’re receiving–even after communication? Well, only we can decide. But staying in a non-communicative relationship is a choice and we can’t really complain if we’ve chosen it.
First things first, we need to communicate our needs, even if it’s what we don’t need. And we need to listen to the needs of the other person. Maybe, we can’t always satisfy those desires, but we need to understand what they are and decide, for ourselves, how to proceed. It’s kind of interesting, to me, that even if I can’t get the need met, communicating what I want helps me to accept the fact that it may not be satisfied. That, after recognition of my longing, I don’t actually need it fulfilled to the capacity I first expected. That I’m okay with a partial fulfillment because I recognize that only I can satisfy myself. That, that inner spirit, my true SELF, is the only entity that can truly satisfy me. Because, sometimes, that is the truth. The onus, though, is on us! Don’t vent about who’s going to be first; that’s five year old behaviour; we are adults. Why not act our age? Step up and out! Show up!
If expressing our wishes and then reciprocating with a good listen puts us on high alert? We need to question the relationship. Just don’t forget to listen to the other person; maybe, even, if they don’t listen to you–at first. Why not give them the opportunity to express themselves? I’m interested in your war stories on this…how does sharing your needs with those you are in relationship with, work for you?
peace balance empathy
Life's Lessons and Mental Health 