I want to write. I want to share ideas. The goal is not to impose but to question. It is not to judge but to explore curiously–everything. What am I exploring? Well, life, and all of its facets–relationships, love, politics, religions, education, play, work, illness, community and whatever else comes up.
So, I began this soul journey talking about being in relationship with myself; now I want to move into exploring relationships with others. I believe, first of all, that the relationship we have with ourselves is more important than being in relationship with others because it guides our ability to be ourselves when with others. This certainly doesn’t negate the importance of being able to navigate our interactions with others.
Let’s try and start at the beginning. We are born. Imagine that. I mean, just imagine…you coming out of the womb. You being that baby. Complete dependence on your caregiver…what did you receive? And it really is all about accepting and working with what you’ve been born into, isn’t it? You’re a wee being. Who is your first relationship with? Your first ever connection to anything besides the womb you were in–that you were so frightfully taken from. Imagine that experience of entering into pure light after darkness–a peaceful, fluid darkness for most of us–and entering into the world as a completely dependent human being. What are your feelings towards that little infant? Sometimes we don’t even recognize this relationship as it is until we become grandparents–then, we seem to really appreciate the uniqueness of our offspring. (I believe the relationship between grandparent and grandchild is an extremely important one that we will explore later)…
You’ve entered the world–with or without your permission–been forced into, actually (unless you believe in acceptance of the soul into this journey), popped out into the world and, hopefully, caring arms of what you perceive to be your God? That being who holds you in this world, feeds you and cares for you is your initial experience of relationship. What was it like for you? What did you learn about relationships from that initial one because that is the most impressionable one…and it introduces you to all of the others. Think about your youth; how were you taught to be in relationship with others? And aren’t we taught? Think about that. Where did our guidance come from? Who are our role models? Would you agree that for the most part, our guides were ignorant? Afterall, who taught them? At 21 or 23, do we even know enough healthy stuff about relationship to bring another dependent human being into the world? Some people do, but most of us? Maybe that’s why the relationship between a grandparent and a child is so formative. Hell, I’m 62 and still struggling with relationships. What I knew at 21 was nowhere near enough to share with a dependent little being. Also, we all learned different rules about relationships.
At birth, we experience our senses: we are cold or hungry or feeling unsafe. We know safety by instinct when we are thrown into this world…because we have to fight for it…what happens when it’s not safe? As an infant, I would think that instinct takes over–fight, flight, freeze or fawn. These are trauma responses. It would make sense that unless we are taught otherwise that these are the responses that take over in a dangerous situation–until we learn something different. So, at what age do we learn otherwise? First of all, the trauma response will take over until we do…and…I believe, it carries a basic rule we follow because it worked in the past. I believe giving up these reactions is so difficult that they tag along for a good part of our adult lives. It really does depend, though, on the amount and consistency of the trauma one experiences while young. The good news? The cycle can be stopped!
For now, let’s just think about how these responses were modeled for us? Were our care-givers themselves stuck in some of these reactions? I expect so! Imagine how confusing this was for us as young people. We had our own initial birth reaction to being brought into this world…our own instinct…and then we had our care-giver’s survival instincts teaching us how to react. When I think about all these adverse reactions being PRACTICED, it makes my skin crawl. And I also recognize why the world is the way it is! Being in relationship means understanding how these trauma responses have affected our own lives and the lives of others. It means recognizing our humanity and being sensitive to the humanity of our peers, care-givers and offspring. Let’s do this, you and me; it can change the world!
peace balance empathy
Life's Lessons and Mental Health 