Why bother going deep inside to those lonely, beaten, threadbare parts? Isn’t it better to leave well-enough alone? Bury them? Ignore them? Yes, we know they’re there, but why stir up the pain? Some people seem to be afraid of becoming overwhelmed; others, men especially, speak of these parts as though they are weak and need to be silenced. My argument is that these parts have already been silenced, what they need is to have a voice. If we don’t give them an opportunity to speak and be heard on our time, be assured they will come out kicking on theirs.
These frightened, often young, insecure parts are still struggling to get what they needed as a younger version of you. Love? Nurturing? Listening? Comfort? Compassion? Understanding? Because they feel fear, anger, sadness towards what has been done to them in their youth, when they had no resources for comfort and attention. When we are young, we don’t really know how to take care of ourselves; it is a learning curve. And sometimes, because of poor modelling from our caregivers, it takes a while to develop these skills. Most of us fluster our way through our lives, trying to figure out how to ‘get rid’ of the qualities we developed in response to parent figures who are still trying to figure out their own demons! And we pass those insecurities and ignorances off onto our children. And so on.
When does the cycle stop? It becomes like a snowball, gathering power and speed as it rolls through the generations. Until we say STOP! I’m going to give myself what I need. That’s a grown-up version of you. One that knows compassion, curiosity, connectedness, calmness, clarity, courage, creativity and confidence are all within them, and can connect to their inner Self. Can you recognize these qualities within you? I’m sure I could see them in you. Others will see them if you don’t. And maybe, if you go inside yourself, you will find them. I believe if you can access just one of these qualities and turn it towards your lost, forgotten parts that you will begin to experience a change within. I have experienced massive changes over the last two years that have adjusted the way I look at myself, others and the world.
This transformation has allowed me to connect deeply to myself and I am beginning to connect deeply to others. I have found, though, that I don’t get enmeshed with others like I used to. I can tell now, where I stop and they begin. I can set boundaries. A clean slate presented itself to me and now I am beginning again. This time, with a sense of knowing who I am, what my expectations and morals are and where I’m not going to give in to something that will harm me–emotionally or physically. I speak the truth to the best of my ability in the moment…I don’t sugar coat things anymore.
I realize my humanity in all of this and recognize that I will continue to screw up and that others will too. But I’m working from all of me! All of my parts come out to play but they don’t show up unannounced—not as much, anyway. There are still remnants of little beings inside me that I need to heal, but I can recognize their efforts to be heard and I listen now. I ask curiously, can I give this part what it needs? Comfort? An ear? Reassurance? Whatever it needs, I give. Because I am now 62 and I know, deep inside, what is right for me. I have my essence—my true Self—to rely on and trust. And, with that trust comes love also; I sincerely begin to love myself. What greater gift can I give to myself and others?
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Life's Lessons and Mental Health 